Burnout
by bassetfan
Summary: How will Lucas cope when one tragedy follows after another? Warning, this story deals with the deaths of minor characters, drug abuse and self harm/suicide.
1. Chapter 1

**_Warning! This story deals with the deaths of minor characters, drug abuse and self harm/suicide. Also, bad language._**

* * *

 _I found the script for the unfilmed episode 'In Father's Footsteps' online, it's out there somewhere...shame it never got made, sounds like it would have been a good one! Anyway, here's a quick summation of the events of that episode -_

 _It's revealed that Lucas' father disappeared beneath the ocean floor three years previously. They find a log recorder from his ship, showing him going into cryo-stasis. Hudson and Lucas take a shuttle and get close to the ship, but Captain Hudson deems it too dangerous to go aboard. Lucas grabs Hudson's sidearm and with the weapon pointed at his captain, tells him he's going anyway. When he gets on board, he finds the body of Lawrence Wolenczak covered by a transparent shell. He's mummified, practically a skeleton. The cryo-system was hooked directly into a hyperconducting coil which created a feedback loop, which sucked out the ships power. Lucas escapes, but he's unable to recover the body and the ship falls into a magma ribbon where it's consumed by fire._

 _When they return to the seaQuest, Lucas has to face a Board of Inquiry and pleads guilty to mutinous conduct. Hudson tells him that under normal circumstances, the charges would carry a penalty of twenty years hard labor in a military prison, but considering the circumstances of this case, McGath wanted to be lenient. When Lucas thanks Hudson for not throwing the book at him, Hudson tells him that it wasn't for lack of trying._

 _On to the story..._

Lucas Wolenczak lay down heavily on his bunk and covered his eyes.

He was so tired. He felt as though he could sleep for a year. That was all he wanted, to close his eyes and forget about the past few days.

Tony burst into the room.

"So what happened? What did they do?"

"They were lenient, Tony. I was reduced a half grade in rank and removed from the promotion list for a year. Looks like I will be saluting you after all!"

"Hey, that's pretty good though, right? I mean, it was mutiny, technically, and you did hold a gun on Hudson. I was worried he'd throw the book at you."

"It wasn't for lack of trying on his part. McGath was the one who gave me the break. Hudson made it clear he would have gone for the full twenty years of hard labour."

Tony looked in concern at his friend. "Well, Hudson will get over it. You just need to keep your nose clean for a while."

"Tony, I'm always trying to keep my nose clean. Trouble just seems to find me. I mean, after all these years, who would have predicted that I'd be the one that would find my father's body..."

He suddenly realized what he was saying, and bile rose in his mouth. He jumped off his bunk and ran to the toilet, where he promptly threw up everything in his stomach. He crouched beside the bowl, shaking. Delayed shock, he guessed.

Tony was beside him in an instant. "Finished?"

"I think so."

"'Kay. Let's get you to bed."

He helped Lucas up, and they walked to their bunks. Lucas stared up at the top.

"Wanna trade for tonight?"

Lucas was shaking so much that Tony didn't think he'd be able to climb up there.

"Yeah... Thanks."

He sat on Tony's bed and started to undress. Tony disappeared and returned with a glass of water.

"Here."

He took it and drank it gratefully.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Might help. They say you should, y'know, a problem shared, all that stuff."

"I just want to forget all about it. I want to go to sleep, and never think about this again."

He lay down and pulled the covers over himself.

"Thanks Tony."

He closed his eyes.

* * *

 _He saw the moment again and again, his father's body sitting in the command chair, his face skeletal and mummified. In the dream his eyes found Lucas. Lucas heard his voice, calm and reasonable as ever...'Why didn't you save me Lucas? Why didn't you get me out of here? You left me here to burn...'_

Lucas' eyes flew open and he gasped. He didn't know if he was still shaking or shaking from the dream, but he couldn't stop. He looked at the clock. 11pm. He'd slept for three hours. So much for sleeping for a year. He lay back in the bed and closed his eyes again.

It was right there, that image, still reaching out for him.

He grabbed his stuff and headed for the showers. He wasn't going to sleep again tonight, he may as well get back to work. One of the systems had been glitchy lately, and he suspected a faulty wire. He could spend the night tracking down the problem and fix it. At least it would keep his mind off things.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony was disappointed to see that Lucas was already gone when he got up the next day. He'd wanted to make sure that he was okay, and perhaps check one more time that Lucas didn't want to talk. He knew Lucas generally didn't like to share his feelings - heck, neither of them did! - but if he wanted to, Tony would listen. But he was gone, and since his uniform was missing, Tony assumed that Lucas was going early to his shift in an effort to earn his way back into Hudson's good graces.

He wished him luck with that one.

* * *

Lucas and Captain Hudson managed to get through an entire shift together without any problems apart from the awkwardness between them. Hudson hardly spoke to him, and that was fine with Lucas. He did his work efficiently, and kept his head down.

When he finished his shift at 5pm, he was beyond tired. He hoped that he was so exhausted that he could sleep at last. Tony was working the mid shift, so Lucas would have the room to himself and perhaps he could squeeze in a quick nap before dinner.

In truth, the very idea of dinner made his stomach churn. Maybe he'd feel more like eating after he slept.

* * *

 _His father, the mummy, pressed his hands to the clear shell of the cryostasis chamber. He called out to Lucas, 'why are you leaving me here? Why?' As he speaks the ship around him erupts into fire and flames lick around his father's face. 'I love you Lucas, why are you leaving me here?'_

Lucas shot upright. He wiped a sheen of sweat of his face and tried to catch his breath. He checked the clock. 7pm. Only two hours this time. He knew he wasn't going to get back to sleep again after that. He went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face, then dressed again. The thought of food still didn't sound good, but maybe if he tried to eat something, he'd feel better. Maybe he just needed to re-establish his schedule and then he'd be back on track. Besides, Tony should be eating right now, and he'd like to spend some time listening to his friend talk, instead of the thoughts circling in his brain.

Tony was there, regalling everyone with a tall tale. Lucas grinned at him as he walked in, marvelling for a moment at how normal the action seemed. He grabbed a tray and examined the choices. Once again, nausea seemed to be his first response, but he had to eat something. He looked for the least greasy thing he could find, and settled on a salad. It wouldn't be very filling - despite everything, he was conscious of feeling very hungry right now - but it might stay down. He grabbed the plate and some water and sat down with the others.

Tony quickly filled him in on the parts of the story he'd missed, and then proceeded with his tale. Lucas listened, diverted. He envied Tony this ability to keep everyone entertained and amused. He often felt jealous of Tony's easy charm and the way everyone seemed to like him. Lucas seemed to have spent his life trying to gain other peoples approval and usually failing. Tony just seemed to walk into a room and become friends with everyone. Lucas was just very glad that he was included in the group.

"So then I said to her, you kidding me? You should be paying me!"

Everyone broke into laughter, except Lucas, who hadn't been paying attention. He realized too late and smiled with the rest of them.

Tony noticed that he wasn't laughing with the others.

In a lower voice, Tony asked, a little disgruntled, "You didn't think that was funny?"

"Sorry, Tony, I was thinking about something else, I lost track. Sounds like a great story, maybe you could tell me again later?"

Tony relented.

"Sure. You should probably get some sleep first, though. You look like hell."

Lucas smiled at him.

"Gee, thanks Tony. Never get tired of hearing that!"

Tony pointed to his plate.

"And were you gonna eat that or just play with it all night?"

Lucas followed his glance.

"Guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought."

He'd taken a few bites, but for the past ten minutes he'd really just been cutting the lettuce into smaller and smaller pieces.

"I think I'll take your advice and have an early night."

"Yeah, I think you could use one. Jon's having a poker game, so I might come in late. I'll try to be quiet."

"You always try to be quiet, Tony. I think we can both agree it's not your forte."

"Huh? My fort?"

"It's not your greatest skill," he amended.

"Hey, I'm wounded!"

"Yeah, and you probably will be when you fall down the steps at 2am trying to be quiet!"

They both laughed. Tony turned back to the others and began another tale, while Lucas threw away his dinner and went back to their quarters to try to get some sleep.

* * *

He was just starting to take off his shirt when an incoming message flashed on his computer. He leaned forward and pressed answer. It was a bad line and the picture was almost impossible to make out.

He heard the caller ask, "Can you hear me?"

"Yes, looks like it's just the video that's corrupted."

"Lucas Holt?"

He felt a sudden stab of sick fear.

"Is this about my mother?"

"You're Lucas Holt?"

"Lucas Wolenczak. My mother uses her maiden name, Cynthia Holt."

"Oh, okay."

The man on the other end paused. He obviously didn't like having to say the next part over a bad connection on the Vidlink.

"Your mother was involved in an accident earlier today. She gave us this number to call you. It would be best if you could get here as soon as possible."

Lucas' mouth went dry and he sat for a minute processing what this man had told him. 'As soon as possible'. That could only mean one thing.

"How bad is it?"

"It's not good, I'm afraid. It would be best if you could get here right away."

Lucas licked his lips and swallowed. "I'm sorry, what's your name?"

"Doctor John Eviston."

"Doctor Eviston, I'm currently on active duty on a submarine. I can't just jump out and hail a cab. I need to know how long I have to get there!" He realized that he was shouting, and softened his voice. "Please."

"We think she may be able to hold on for a day or so."

"Where are you?"

"New Cape Quest Hospital."

Lucas did the calculations in his head.

"I think I can get there by tomorrow afternoon. Can you..." he swallowed, hating the words as they came out of his mouth, "can you...look after her until then?"

"We will certainly try our hardest, Mr. Wolenczak. I'll see you soon."

The message switched off.


	3. Chapter 3

For a long time Lucas just sat there staring into space.

It seemed impossible that this should happen, coming hard on the heels of finding his father's body. It occurred to him that he hadn't even asked what happened. He started to pack a bag, and then remembered that he needed to ask the captain for leave. He felt sick at the thought of asking for leave when he had just been allowed to stay on the boat, but he had no choice.

His brain felt muddled and he couldn't seem to think straight. He walked into the bathroom, poured himself a cup of water and drank it slowly. Then he straightened his uniform and went to find the captain.

* * *

Captain Hudson was in his quarters when he heard the knock at his door. He broke off from his exercise routine, annoyed at the interruption.

"Come in."

His annoyance wasn't lessened by the sight of Lucas Wolenczak. If Oliver Hudson was good at one thing, it was bearing a grudge.

"Mr. Wolenczak, what brings you here at this hour? Should I check to see if you're armed?"

Lucas didn't even register the comment.

"Captain..." Lucas paused for a moment, suddenly lost in a desperate need for that other captain that he loved so much, the one that had left him here. He tried to clear his mind, he couldn't think about that right now.

"Sir, I need to ask for leave."

Captain Hudson was furious.

"After what just happened? When you're lucky that you're not doing hard labour for twenty years for pulling a gun on your captain, and you're asking for leave? Am I hearing you correctly?"

Lucas still didn't seem to hear his angry tone. Hudson suddenly noticed how white his face was.

"Yes Sir. I need to leave immediately, if I could take the Stinger..."

Hudson's anger suddenly died, and was replaced instead by concern.

"Ensign?"

He noticed Lucas was biting his thumbnail.

"The Stinger would be best, it's the fastest. I'll probably need a few days. Maybe a week. I don't know..." His voice faded away and his eyes were unfocused.

"Lucas!"

"Yeah, maybe a week..."

Hudson was old school, and could think of only one thing to do in this situation. He slapped the boy across the face.

There was a moment of surprise, and then he saw reason return. Lucas reached up and touched his cheek gingerly.

"Sir?"

"Ensign, what's happened?"

"My mother... there's been an accident, she gave them my number. I've got to be there by tomorrow or I won't...she won't..."

Hudson stared a him for a moment in shock, and then guided him to a chair. He moved over to his desk and poured out a measure of brandy, which he handed to Lucas.

"Drink this."

Lucas took a gulp and then coughed. He moved to put it on the table.

"No, finish it. It's not that much, and you need something for the shock."

Obediently, he took another sip, and winced at the taste.

"Is there someone with her already?"

Lucas shook his head, and said, unthinking, "Not if she's asking for me. She'd only do that if there was no-one else."

"Don't you have other relatives? Friends who might be there?"

"No. My grandparents died years ago. My parents are...," he lost his train of thought for a moment as he considered, "were?...only children. And my mother isn't the type to make close friends." He looked up.

"Can I go?" He sounded like a little kid begging for a treat.

Hudson sighed, his anger at the boy completely gone. The timing of this had not escaped him. To find your father's body, face an inquiry and lose your mother in the same week!

"Ensign, would you like to take someone with you? Mr. Piccolo or Mr. O'Neill?"

The boy's confused manner was worrying him, he would feel better if he had someone to be there with him. The boy may have been twenty nine on paper, but in reality he was still just a teenager.

Lucas looked confused. He was used to dealing with things on his own, he hadn't even thought of asking for any help, and then to have it offered by Captain Hudson...

But could he really ask someone else to do this with him? To sit at the bedside of a dying woman and then plan a funeral? It wasn't something anyone would want to do.

He shook his head. "No... they'd hate it." He spoke as if Hudson had suggested a surprise party.

Hudson came to a decision.

"Tony Piccolo to the Captain's quarters."

Lucas looked at him in surprise.

It seemed to him that Tony appeared at the door almost instantly. In truth, Hudson had watched, his concern growing, as Lucas stared silently into space for close to fifteen minutes, a million miles away.

The captain had taken Tony under his wing, so it wasn't completely unusual to be summoned to his office, but he was surprised to see Lucas there.

"Come in, Mr. Piccolo."

Tony stepped inside and his eyes widened. Was Lucas holding a brandy?

"Mr. Piccolo, Mr. Wolenczak has recieved some," he searched for a word, "distressing news about his mother. He needs to go and see her immediately. I wondered if you would mind accompanying him? He anticipates being gone about a week I believe."

He turned to Lucas, who was staring at his brandy.

"I think so." He sounded a million miles away.

"The doctor says maybe two days, and then they'll be the funeral to plan. I have no idea what she'd want. I'll have to find her lawyer, he'll probably know. They always used Epstein and Tyler, but I'm sure she got her own after..." He drifted again, and once again started to bite his thumbnail.

Tony looked worriedly at the captain.

"Mr. Wolenczak!"

Lucas snapped back. "Sorry Sir. Yes, a week should be fine. But Tony, you don't need to be there, it's going to be awful."

Tony nodded at Hudson, he could see why he wanted someone with Lucas.

"I'm going with you because it's going to be awful. When do we need to leave?"

"As soon as possible, they're going to try and keep her...keep her..." He found he couldn't say the next word, __alive__.

"Mr. Piccolo, you can take the Stinger and leave as soon as you're ready. I'd appreciate it if you'd keep me informed?"

"Certainly Sir." He stepped back a little, and asked in a low tone, "Is he okay?"

Hudson answered in the same tone. "I believe he's in shock, Mr. Piccolo. I could tell you to take him to Doctor Perry, but time is of the essence. He's better off going now with you to watch him. You'll be going to a hospital, so if this continues they can help him there."

Tony realized he was right. "Yes, Sir. Come on, Lucas, let's go."

Lucas stood up and looked confused by the glass in his hand. Hudson reached out and took it. He allowed himself a moment of pity for the boy.

"I'm sorry, Lucas. Our thoughts will be with you."


	4. Chapter 4

Tony threw a few things in a bag for himself and then did the same for Lucas, who still couldn't get his thoughts in order. They were heading for New Cape Quest within the hour. Tony was concerned when Lucas insisted on piloting the sub, but he soon realized that it had a calming effect. Lucas started to appear more cogniscent about what they were doing.

"You shouldn't have come, Tony. I could have done this on my own."

"Sure you could, but you don't have to. We was worried about you, we don't want you to be on your own for this. No-one should hafta do something like this by themselves."

Lucas stared out of the window for a long moment.

"I didn't get along that well with my mother."

No shit, thought Tony. Lucas occasionally talked about his father, and everyone knew that he loved him. But he never talked about his mother. Never.

"I'm surprised she wants me there. She kinda made it clear that she didn't want to see me again after we got back."

Tony's jaw dropped. Lucas was surprised that his mother wanted to see him one last time before she died? He couldn't think of anything to say in response.

They sat in silence for a while.

Tony watched as Lucas rubbed his face and yawned.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"I had a nap before I went to dinner."

"You look tired."

"Yeah, I guess. Not like I could sleep now, anyway."

Tony nodded, but made a mental note to keep a closer eye on his friend.

* * *

They reached the hospital, as Lucas estimated, by the next afternoon. They hurried inside, Lucas going straight to the front desk.

"I'm looking for Cynthia Holt."

The nurse typed on her computer for a moment.

"She's in ICU. Go to the end of the corridor and take the elevator, third floor."

"Thanks."

The doctor was waiting for them when they arrived. He moved towards Tony with his hand outstretched.

"Mr. Wolenczak?"

Tony shook his head and indicated Lucas. The doctor looked surprised.

"I'm sorry." He studied the boy in front of him. "I must have misunderstood, she said you were twenty nine?"

Tony silently fumed. Lucas' mother was certainly aware that in every real sense, he was still a teenager.

"That's okay. This is a friend of mine, Tony Piccolo. How is she?"

"She's coherent and not in any pain, but I have to warn you. As well as her other injuries, she experienced a brain injury which seems to be affecting her emotions and behaviour. While she understands what has happened to her, she seems to be completely detached from the situation. She also seems to be unaware of some of the things that she's saying."

Lucas frowned. "What do you mean?"

"She's made some comments which are...unpleasant and inappropriate. It would be wise to remember that while she's talking to you, she's not completely in control of what she's saying."

Lucas stared at him for a moment, and then moved towards the door. As his fingers touched the handle, he stepped back again.

"Doctor, what happened?"

The doctor looked uncomfortable. "I'm afraid she was driving while intoxicated. It had been raining, there was water on the road. She was going too fast, lost control of the vehicle, and hit an oncoming truck."

"Is the other driver okay? Was anyone else hurt?"

"No, he was just a little shaken up. No-one else was involved."

Lucas took a deep breath and once more stepped towards the door.

She lay on the bed surrounded by wires and machines, her face a mass of bruises, with a bandage partially covering her forehead. Lucas stood for a minute in the doorway, uncertain. Then, screwing up his courage, he walked over to the bed.

Ice blue eyes turned to look at him. There was no emotion in them whatsoever.

"Hi Mom."

He reached for her hand, but she shook him off.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to paw at me? I see your hair is still too long. I'm surprised your captain allows it. You always did need disapline."

Tony and the doctor exchanged a look. Tony moved closer to his friend.

Lucas sat down awkwardly.

"I'm glad you wanted me here."

"It seems I have a use for you after all. I don't have long," she stated this as though she was waiting for a connecting flight, "and I need some of my affairs put in order. The nurse put a notepad and pen by the table."

Lucas said nothing, but leaned forward and picked them up.

"My lawyers are Finchly and Sons, the number is in my address book. I made arrangements with them years ago. They will handle everything. However, I do have some personal things that I would like you to attend to. The doctor can give you my address."

He nodded, but his eyes widened at the discovery that her own son didn't know where she lived.

She noticed him still in the room.

"You can go now, Doctor." He nodded and left.

She looked at Tony.

"Who is this?"

"This is a friend of mine, he came with me."

She sighed audibly.

"Really Lucas, you really do have to grow up sometime. You can't be a child forever."

Tony stared at her. From what he'd heard, Lucas had never really been a child in his life.

"Anyway, this is what I need you to do. The lawyers will be in charge of liquidating my assets and clearing my apartment. However, I have some personal files that I would like you to destroy, diaries excetera. They are in the top drawer of my desk and clearly marked. I would also like you to get rid of any mess you find in my apartment and make sure that it looks respectable when the lawyers arrive - do you understand?"

His voice was very small. "Yes."

"Good. As you know, there is no family money left, but these arrangements were all paid for by your father, so everything is taken care of. If there is any residue from the estate, I suppose it will fall naturally to you as my next of kin. There is one other thing."

She had maintained eye contact with him while she had been speaking, but now she looked away.

"All my friends and aquaintances think that you are dead. I never told them that you had returned. Since I would prefer not to to go to my grave with everybody thinking I was a liar, I would prefer you not to attend my funeral."

Lucas gasped. "Mom!"

"I think you could do this for me, Lucas. With all that I've suffered for you, it is the least you can do."

One of the monitors started to sound an alarm, while the heart monitor began to beep in a slow, uneven rhythm. Her voice became soft and dreamy for the first time.

"You know, when I was younger, I was engaged to another man. I wanted him quite desperately."

A nurse rushed in and started to check the monitors, the doctor following a couple of minutes later.

"We were at a party and I had a few too many drinks. We fought, and in retalliation I slept with your father. I became pregnant, and my fiancee wouldn't take me back. My parents were very religious and insisted that I was not to have a termination or a child out of wedlock, so I married Lawrence. I could never look at the two of you without thinking about what I had lost."

As the beeping became more insistent, the doctor turned off the monitor, and he and the nurse simply stepped back. They looked uncomfortable at hearing this bedside confession, but knew they had to be close by.

Tony was horrified.

Tears coursed down Lucas' cheeks.

"Mom, please, there must have been some good times..."

She met his eyes for one last time, and said the worst thing she could have said.

"You ruined my life, Lucas."


	5. Chapter 5

The doctor moved forward and checked for a pulse, then turned to the nurse.

"Time of death, 15.30."

Lucas was standing frozen, staring down at her.

Tony moved forward. "Lucas..."

He cast one stricken look at Tony and took a step back. As he did so, his eyes rolled in his head and he fell.

Tony rushed forward and grabbed him, breaking his fall. The doctor moved over to them.

"He's fainted. Nurse, bring a gurney."

They hoisted him up, and the doctor moved them to an empty room.

"Has he eaten today?"

Tony was worried. "No. Don't remember him eating much yesterday either."

The doctor took a blood sample and handed it to the nurse. He glanced at Tony.

"Not the nicest of deathbed goodbyes, was it? Not really surprised that he fainted."

"They weren't close. She told everyone that he was dead. Asked him not to attend the funeral."

"Nice lady."

Lucas started to stir. The doctor put a hand on his chest to keep him down.

"Stay where you are. If you try to sit up right now, you'll probably just faint again."

The nurse came in and handed a sheet to the doctor.

"Mr. Wolenczak, when did you last eat something?"

Lucas frowned, and then shrugged.

"Did you eat lunch today?"

At his blank look, he continued, "Breakfast? Dinner yesterday?"

"Yes, I had dinner."

Tony interrupted. "No. You sat down with a plate of salad, ate about three bites and then left. And I'm pretty sure that you worked through lunch yesterday as well."

"Well, that explains it. You're blood sugar level is way down. I'm going to get you something to eat and drink, and then I'd like to monitor you for a little while before we let you go. Mr. Piccolo, did you get a chance to have lunch? I can have the nurse bring something for you too."

"Thanks. 'Preciate it."

He sat beside the gurney.

"How you doin'?"

Lucas shrugged. He had no idea how to answer. He felt worst than he had ever felt in his life. He wasn't sure he could speak without his voice cracking into sobs, so he stayed silent.

The nurse returned with a tray. She adjusted the bed so that Lucas was sitting up, and then placed a small table across his lap. She put the tray down in front of him with a smile.

"Egg salad okay?"

Lucas nodded, and started to unwrap his sandwich.

"And be sure to drink the orange juice, you'll feel better as soon as you start raising that blood sugar."

She handed the same to Tony with a flirtatious wink.

"Let me know if I can get you anything else."

Lucas sipped his drink and started to feel a little better. "I think she likes you. You should ask for her number."

"Didn't come here to collect phone numbers and pick up women."

"Still, if they fall into your lap like that. Maybe we should tell the others, might be a whole untapped area. Spend your next shore leave in a hospital, picking up nurses."

"Na. Don't like hospitals."

"Sorry Tony."

"Not your fault. Well, the eating thing is, but I guess I can understand it. Been a really shitty few days for ya, hasn't it?"

Lucas started to pull apart his sandwich.

"I've had better weeks."

"Luke, you're meant to be eating that sandwich, not dissecting it."

"Yeah, I know." He started eating. "It's not bad."

Tony bit into his. "You're right, it's pretty good."

Trying to lift Lucas' mood, he added, "Maybe you're right after all. The nurses are pretty, the food is good and I won't get too drunk to remember!"

They chatted about other subjects, both of them avoiding any mention of what had just happened, until Lucas pushed back the table and said, "We should go. There's a lot to do, we don't even have a place to stay tonight."

"Stay there. The doc said he wanted to check you over. Anyway, there are motels nearby, I saw some when we came in."

"Tony, we should be going. Besides, I don't want to be here any more, I just want to get some sleep."

"Okay, hold on. I'll get the nurse, she can tell us if you can go." He pressed the call button.

"Of course I can go, I haven't even been admitted."

"Something told me that you were going to be a difficult patient," said the doctor from the doorway.

"Hey Doc, we was just trying to find you. Luke here says he's ready to go."

"We've still got to find a place to stay tonight, and I just want to get out of here and get some sleep."

Doctor Eviston noted the dark circles under the boy's eyes.

"Now that I believe. There's a nice motel about three blocks from here, The Home from Home. I know the lady who runs it, she'll take good care of you. It's not expensive and it's clean and quiet, and if you tell her I sent you she might even make you breakfast."

"Hey, thanks Doc."

He checked on Lucas as he talked.

"Alright, you look better." He turned to Tony. "Make sure he eats a proper dinner and breakfast in the morning. Oh, and here," he handed a bottle to Lucas. "You're a little anaemic as well. Take one every morning until they're gone. Okay, you're free to go."

Lucas cleared his throat. "What about..."

"Ah! Don't worry, we'll hold her here until we get the release from the funeral parlor."

"I need her things. Her keys and address."

"Yes, of course. Don't worry, we have them ready for you, you just need to sign the release documents at the desk."

He helped Lucas up from the gurney under the guise of shaking his hand.

"I'm very sorry for your loss, Mr. Wolenczak."

"Thanks." He was surprised to realize that he still felt a little unsteady.

"Thanks for everything, Doc. C'mon Lucas, lets go find that motel and get some dinner."


	6. Chapter 6

They found the motel easily enough, and the owner, Mrs. Sullivan, put them into a pleasant, homely room away from the noise of traffic. She handed Tony a stack of local menus and promised to bring them both a cup of tea.

Lucas stood in the middle of the room clutching his mother's effects and didn't seem to know what to do with them. Tony walked over and took them from him firmly, stashing them in a drawer out of sight. Relieved of these, Lucas lay down on one of the beds.

He was so tired.

"Hey, not yet Buddy. What do you want for dinner?"

"I don't care. I just want to sleep."

"You gotta eat something. What about Chinese? There's a place here that delivers."

"Fine."

He closed his eyes and instantly drifted into sleep. He was awakened forty minutes later by Tony.

"C'mon Luke, time to wake up."

Lucas jolted suddenly awake, disoriented for a moment. "Huh?"

"Time to eat, come on. I ordered for you, so if you hate it, that's your problem."

He rubbed his hand across his face and yawned.

Tony was standing at the small table opening Chinese food containers. "You waiting for a written invitation or what?"

Lucas made his way over to the table.

"Mrs. S gave us a coupla plates and forks. Come on, dig in."

Lucas sat at the table and picked up a plate. Tony put a small bottle of orange juice in front of him and started to pour fried rice onto his plate. "Kung Pao? Lo Mein?"

"Um...Lo Mein?"

"Here ya go."

Lucas poured a little onto his plate.

"More than that, Champ. Got a tough day tomorrow, you need some food inside ya."

Wordlessly, Lucas poured on a little more and started to eat mechanically. Tony sat opposite him and started to wolf it down, making one sided conversation.

Lucas started to respond after a few minutes and ate everything on his plate. When he was finished, he started yawning again.

"Go to bed Lucas, get some sleep. Mind if I watch some t.v.?"

"Sure, go ahead."

He fell asleep almost instantly. Tony found an action movie and settled down to watch. After an hour or so, he heard a noise. Muting the television, he looked over to the other bed. Lucas was thrashing around and mumbling.

"I'm sorry...please...I'm so sorry..."

"Shit!" Tony jumped off his bed and went over to shake his friend.

"Lucas, wake up. Lucas!"

Lucas suddenly started up. He was breathing heavily. For a moment he was still lost in the dream, and then he seemed to snap back.

"Tony?"

"Yeah. You were dreaming."

"Oh. Sorry."

"You think you can sleep again now?"

Lucas shook his head. "No, I can never sleep again afterwards. Do you mind if I watch some t.v.?"

"No. I was watching a film, mind if I finish it?"

"No, that's fine."

They watched the film in silence, and soon Tony noticed Lucas drifting off again. Within minutes, he started to mumble and move around. Tony moved over to his bed and sat beside him. He put his arm around his friend and talked softly. Lucas started to calm down. Tony watched films all night, and every time Lucas started to mumble, he would talk to him gently until he quieted. Towards the early hours of the morning, Tony fell asleep.

* * *

Lucas woke up the next morning feeling as though he had slept for the first time in days. Just as he realized that he was slouched against his pillows with Tony sitting on the covers next to him, Tony woke up.

He moved to stretch and Lucas realized that Tony had an arm around his shoulders.

"Hey. Mornin' Lucas."

"Yeah, morning. Um, why are you here?"

"You had a few bad dreams, you seemed to sleep better when I was here."

"Oh." Lucas blushed scarlet. "Sorry."

"No problem. That happen often?"

Lucas felt enough of a baby at that moment, without admitting that he had nightmares every night. Tony was usually a pretty heavy sleeper, there was no way he'd have known about them before.

"It was a bad day yesterday."

"Yeah, it was. But last night you said you can never get to sleep again afterwards. So how would you know that if last night was the first time?"

Lucas had never been good at fabricating a lie quickly. He tried to think, but couldn't.

"Yeah, I've had a few."

"What are they about?"

"My dad. You know, finding him."

"You coulda told me. You can talk to me, y'know. I'll listen."

"I know. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it, any of it. This included."

"Okay. If you change your mind..."

"I know where you are. Thanks. Mind if I shower first?"

"Sure, go ahead. I'll see if I can charm some breakfast out of Mrs. S."


	7. Chapter 7

Tony did manage to charm her to the extent of bacon, eggs and toast, and after a good night's sleep, Lucas had an appetite. Once again, they tried to avoid talking about why they were there, and talked instead about the food and last night's movie.

Eventually, Tony went to pay the bill while Lucas found his mother's address and keys. They took a cab and were there within the hour.

* * *

Cynthia Holt certainly didn't go in for the warm and homely look, Tony thought. The walls were white with no pictures or decoration. There was very little in the apartment that wasn't functional. It barely looked lived in.

When they got to the kitchen, Tony realized why she had called for Lucas, and his temper rose. She wasn't a good mother by anyone's standards, but it seemed that she had only called her son to her dying beside so that he could keep her reputation spotless by cleaning away a huge number of wine bottles. Lucas didn't seem too surprised by the sight of them, so Tony assumed this was an old problem. While Lucas went to find trash bags, Tony looked around.

She had a few photos here and there, mostly of notable people she had met. There were no pictures of Lawrence and Lucas, although at this point Tony didn't expect it. There was photo of her meeting the President, and Lucas and his father had been cropped out of the picture. Tony could just recognize the small sliver of Lawrence that was visable and a fragment of Lucas' hair.

They worked steadily for most of the morning. After the wine bottles were disposed of, Lucas moved on to the diaries and personal items she had asked him to destroy.

He held one of the diaries in his hand.

"It seems wrong to destroy this. Maybe I'd understand her better if I read them."

Tony leaned forward and took it from him. He flicked through the pages, his jaw tightening with anger and dislike as he saw some of the things she had written.

He handed it back to Lucas.

"Burn 'em."

Lucas paled, but threw them into the bag for the incinerator. He trusted Tony, and if the contents were that bad, he'd rather not know.

There were no mementoes of her former life, no baby pictures of Lucas, no trinkets or childish drawings. There was no sign at all that this woman had ever been married and had a child.

Lucas called her lawyers to let them know that everything had been taken care of, and they could now enter the apartment.

* * *

They stood outside on the street.

"So, what now?"

Lucas squinted against the sun. "I think we should go home."

"Home?"

"SeaQuest."

"You don't want to stay any longer?"

"Why? I've done what she wanted, the lawyers will handle the rest. I'm not supposed to go to the funeral. Seems ridiculous to wait around for it, when I can't even be there anyway. I just want to go back and get back to work."

"When do you want to leave?"

"Now."

"Okay."

* * *

Hudson was wondering when they were going to check in with him when Tim O'Neill called out.

"Captain, we're being hailed." He paused and listened. "It's Tony and Lucas, they're ready to come aboard."

Hudson was surprised. They'd been gone a little under two days.

"Tell them to come aboard, Mr. O'Neill."

He was curious enough to walk down to the docking bay to greet them.

"Mr. Piccolo, Mr. Wolenczak, welcome back aboard. I didn't expect you to return so soon."

Lucas tried to find the right words.

"No Sir. We were able to get everything finished faster than we thought, and we're ready to get back to work."

Well, Hudson thought, that didn't tell him anything. He looked at Tony and raised an eyebrow.

Piccolo gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head. He got the message.

"Very good, Ensign. You can return to your duties tomorrow morning."

"Thank you Sir."

He walked out of the bay towards his quarters. Tony lingered behind.

"Mr. Piccolo?"

"She held on for about half an hour after we got there."

He glanced around and saw that it was just the two of them.

"She was a piece of work. How does a woman like that get a kid like Luke?"

"She didn't even say she was glad he came. Told him his hair was too long, that he needed discipline, and when he tried to take her hand, she told him to stop pawing at her. Then she gave him a list of instructions about clearing the empties out of her apartment, told him she didn't want him at her funeral because everyone still thought he was dead, and died telling him that he was a mistake that ruined her life."

Even Captain Hudson was shocked. "How's he handling it?"

"Fainted right after. The doc said he had low blood sugar, apparently he'd missed a few meals."

He almost said something about the nightmares, but stopped himself when he realized how much Lucas would hate Hudson knowing.

"Seems okay now. Said he just wanted to come home."

It seemed odd to Hudson that anyone would think of the seaQuest as home, but he supposed that after living there for years, and with no mother or father, he might start to see it that way.

"Thank you, Mr. Piccolo. And thank you for giving up your time, it can't have been pleasant."

"Thanks for letting me go with him. I'm glad he didn't have to do that alone."

* * *

Lucas was unpacking when Tony returned to the room. Tony threw his bag onto his bunk.

"You doin' okay?"

Lucas smiled. "Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks for coming with me, Tony.

"Sure, no problem. I'm hungry, wanna go get some dinner?"

Lucas thought for a minute. He didn't really feel like eating, but he probably should. At the very least, it gave him something to do.

"Sure, let's go."


	8. Chapter 8

Things had begun to return to normal for Lucas. For a little while, his friends had been extremely solicitous and tip-toed around him as though he was made of glass, but they soon forgot and started to treat him as they always had. He would have been glad to return to normal himself and forget about everything, if it wasn't for the fact that he was still having nightmares almost every night.

On a good night, he could sleep for as much as four hours, but those nights were rare. Usually, he seemed to sleep for two or three disturbed hours at most. Sometimes he could lie back and rest there for a while, but mostly he would get up and work on his computer or wander around for a while. During the day he was bone tired, and felt that he was working at half speed. He found it hard to concentrate, and started to make errors. Once again, he seemed to be constantly in trouble with Captain Hudson, who was not happy with his work.

He was running a diagnostic with a team from Engineering, when he was approached by Lou.

Lou was one of the newer crewmembers that came on board with Captain Hudson, and though Lucas tried to make an effort to get along with everyone, he never really liked Lou. Despite Lucas' superior rank, Lou's manner was always a little patronizing. It was nothing that Lucas could complain about, just a feeling. The way he seemed to smirk whenever Lucas issued an order, as though he was humouring a precocious child.

So he was surprised when Lou spoke to him. Everyone else was busy with the diagnostic, and Lou kept his voice low.

"You look tired...Sir."

Lucas may have been imagining it , but he seemed to stress the word 'sir", as if it were a joke.

"I'm fine."

"I see you sometimes, you know. Wandering around at night. Doesn't look like you're getting much sleep, must be finding it hard to stay awake."

Lucas stiffened. "I said, I'm fine."

"Sure. Still, it makes me feel bad. Seeing you being yelled at by Hudson every day, and barely able to keep your eyes open. Can't go to the Doc, can you? Don't need another question mark over you, another black mark against you. Not after what happened before. The Board of Inquiry. All that." Seeing Lucas' look, he added, "People talk."

Lucas wondered where he was going with this.

"I have that problem too, y'know. Insomnia. It's a bitch. I have these pills. They wake me up, give me a little energy."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small white pill and placed it on the table next to Lucas' hand.

"Sucks to be yelled at by Hudson for something that's not your fault."

He wandered back to the group, leaving the pill on the table.

Lucas stared at it for a long time.

He was finding it so hard to stay awake, and he hated being unable to do his job properly. He'd been working so hard to try and get some approval from the captain, but he just kept making stupid mistakes.

Because he was tired.

He looked over at the rest of the team. They were still working on the diagnostic.

He knew the dangers of taking unknown medications.

He looked at it more closely. It looked so benign.

He had a staff meeting later, and he would be asked about his progress today and he would have to tell the captain that he had made none. Because he couldn't think straight. Because he was tired. And he wasn't even halfway through the day.

Every fibre of his being told him to place Lou on report and throw away the pill. He had no idea what was in it, it could be anything.

It could even kill him.

His hand closed over the tablet.

He stopped for a moment, his rational mind screaming at him.

Why would he do this? He didn't even like Lou, let alone trust him. Why on earth would he even consider trusting him about something like this?

But...oh, God, he was tired! _So_ tired...

It was such a small thing. It seemed so unlikely that something so tiny could make a difference to anything.

Making a sudden decision, he quickly swallowed the pill.

He thought he saw Lou look at him and smile, and he shuddered.

* * *

To his surprise, he did feel better, sharper and with more energy. He even managed to figure out the problem, and if it didn't garner him a thank you from Hudson, at least he didn't get yelled at. He even felt he could sit with his friends at dinner and join in their conversation. He'd been a little quiet lately, although he didn't think that anyone had noticed. Just as he hoped that no-one had noticed that he wasn't really eating that much anymore. He just wasn't hungry.

The next day he was back to sleepwalking through the day, and after the energy boost from yesterday, he didn't like the contrast. That night when he couldn't sleep, he went to find Lou.

"Hello, Sir."

He didn't like Lou's knowing smile.

"Hi Lou." He wasn't sure how to proceed from there.

"Anything I can help you with, Sir?"

Lucas cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"That pill you gave me yesterday? I was wondering what it was."

"Ah...you liked it, huh? Thought you would. My brother, he's a chemist, he invented them. Calls 'em Turbo's. You know, like a joke, 'cause they're like the turbo boost on old action movies."

"What's in them?"

"Ah, now that would be telling, wouldn't it? He needs to keep himself in business, he's not going to be giving away all his secrets."

"Business?"

"Yeah. Now if you were interested in purchasing his product, I could help you there."

"You're talking about selling drugs."

"And you're talking about buying them, aren't you Sir? There's a reason that you're talking to me and not Doctor Perry. Don't need to give Hudson any more doubts about you after that last little stunt you pulled."

Lucas wanted to yell at him, tell him that he wasn't going to buy drugs from some sleazy guy he barely knew, wanted to call security and tell them what this man was doing on the seaQuest, his beloved boat, his home...

He was surprised by what he did say.

"How much?"


	9. Chapter 9

The drugs helped.

He was getting through the day, he felt awake. Almost too awake sometimes, if he was honest. His heart would pound in his chest, and he often felt light headed and dizzy. Sometimes it was hard to keep track of the thoughts in his head, which circled around his brain like dervishes.

He started writing code again for the computer and installed a few upgrades. Some he told Hudson about, and some he didn't. Some were installed late at night when his brain just wouldn't switch off and he had an idea he had to try. Hudson was impressed with the upgrades he knew about and had even said 'good work, Ensign'. A 'good work' from Captain Hudson was like a standing ovation from anyone else. He loved those little pills.

His main concern was that he was now barely sleeping at all, and he knew that he needed to get some sleep. He mentioned his concern to Lou, who promptly supplied him with another little pill, on the house - free of charge for such a good customer.

Again, it helped.

It was costing him half his pay each month, but he now had one pill to get him a little sleep each night - not much, but at least the sleep he was getting was heavy and dreamless - and one pill to give him the energy to get through the day.

He soon found out that there were side effects.

His appetite had completely vanished, he just didn't want to eat . He made himself, whenever he thought about it, but that wasn't often. He'd always had bad eating habits, so his body had never really adjusted to any kind of regular eating schedule, and it was such an easy thing to forget. The only thing he seemed to want anymore was coffee and sodas.

He was losing weight rapidly, and started adding more layers to his clothes to give his body some bulk. He had always layered his clothing, so no-one really noticed; and he made sure that he only showered when no-one was around and he always dressed in the bathroom.

Another problem was his temper.

He couldn't seem to be nice to anyone anymore, he was always short tempered. He tried to be nice, he honestly did, but now that his brain was working in overdrive, everyone else seemed so slow and stupid. He couldn't help but make unpleasant comments, and he knew that they were all becoming sick of him.

In a way, he didn't mind this. They would all leave him anyway - everyone did - so why open himself up to the hurt that comes from becoming attached to someone?

He felt bad sometimes when he was mean to Tony, who had accompanied him on his last trip to see his mother and had tried to be there for him; but then he thought of how much Bridger had done for him, and it had been so easy for him to leave. It would be just the same with Tony.

The other reason for his ill temper was the memories. This was another side effect of the pills, he realized, they sharpened your mind, but made you obsessive. His memories would circle in his head in great detail - everything his mother had said to him the last time he'd seen her, every mark of decay on his father's face, all the things Captain Bridger had said to him and not meant. "You're like a son to me, Lucas," and "We'll keep in touch" circled in his head beside his father's last recorded speech, "I can't even remember if I ever told that kid how much he meant to me". He seemed unable to switch them off. Sometimes he wondered if they would ultimately drive him mad. It certainly didn't improve his mood.

Finally, he picked up a 'habit' that he used to have when he was at Stanford. In truth, it was part of the reason that he was sent to the seaQuest in the first place.

It had started one day after an argument with Tony. He felt guilty about what he had said, and then, while he was working, Hudson had berated him for an error that someone else had made. His guilt and temper seemed to build up in him with no release. He started working on a repair for one of the computers when a piece of metal tore into his hand. He watched as the blood started to pool in his palm, and he felt himself relax.

He remembered that feeling, calming and almost cathartic.

He grabbed the first aid kit and took care of the cut, and then took a handful of alcohol swabs and band aids, which he hid in his pocket. Later, he went down to the supply room and requested a few random items, and included a pack of razor blades. When he got his room he found a small lock box that he used to keep old disks in, and replaced the contents with the stolen supplies and the razor blades.

It was just, he promised himself, for when things got really bad.

Even as he thought it, he knew that he didn't believe it.


	10. Chapter 10

_Author's note - For anyone that read 'Moving Forward', you may notice a couple of points of commonality between the two stories in the next two chapters. When I wrote that story, I wondered how it would have gone if I'd written it a different way. So I tried writing it again and liked it, and this story was born._

* * *

"I swear, one of these days, I'm gonna deck him!"

Tony Piccolo threw his dinner tray down on the table and sat down heavily.

Tim O'Neill raised an eyebrow, although no one needed to ask who he meant.

"He's getting on my last nerve. One more snarky comment from him, and I'm gonna make him eat his officer's stripes."

"Yeah, I know what you mean!" Lonnie crumpled her napkin and threw it onto her tray.

Jonathon looked at her, questioningly. "Why, what did he say to you?"

"I was trying to fix a problem on my computer and I just made everything worse. When I asked him to fix it, he told me that maybe if I spent more time studying our computer system instead of flirting, I'd know what I was doing!"

Everyone around the table looked stunned.

"Where d'ya leave the body?" Tony asked.

"Believe me, I wanted to!"

Ford looked at the rest of them in concern. "Okay, this has to stop. I'll talk to him. He can't go around talking to people like this, it's bad for morale."

"Don't know about that," Tony interjected, "we all seem to be united at least. I don't think there's a person on board he hasn't been a pill to lately."

Tim felt he had to stand up for his friend.

"Things haven't been easy for him since we got back. First Bridger leaving, then finding his father's body like that and then losing his mother. Not to mention losing the last ten years."

"We all lost ten years, Tim."

"Yes, but we were adults. We already had our lives mapped out and our careers on track. He doesn't even know if he's allowed to drink yet!"

"He's been different this tour," Tony conceded.

Lucas and Tony had often sparred over stupid things, like Tony's posters or Lucas' incessant typing all night, but he'd always thought of Lucas as a friend. He missed that. Now they seemed to do nothing but snipe at each other.

Lonnie agreed. "Yeah, he's kinda mean."

Ford squeezed her hand. "I'll talk to him." He looked over at Tim. "Don't worry, I'll be nice."

* * *

Lucas was wedged under a console in the main computer room.

He was tired.

He'd taken a pill earlier, but they didn't seem to be working as well these days. He was considering increasing the dosage, but he knew that if he did, sleep would become even more elusive. Also, Lou had warned him about taking too many. He didn't want to lose his best customer.

He grabbed an electrical end cap and reached for the two wires he wanted to connect. As he did so, he dropped the cap. When he looked down for it, two of the other wires brushed together, and he felt a sudden jolt as they met. The electric shock he received was minor - there wasn't much power running through them - but he managed to fry the whole system in the process. He scooted out from the console as he watched the circuit hiss and burn out.

"Fuck!"

It was going to take hours to fix now, and he was due to start his shift on the bridge in another half hour.

He picked up his tool box and hurled it across the floor, where it landed with a satisfying bang and clatter of tools.

"Fuck it!"

He slumped back to the ground and ran his hands through his hair.

He heard the sound of footsteps, and looked up to see Commander Ford. He started to scramble to his feet.

"It's okay, stay there."

He lowered himself down and sat next to Lucas. He stared at the strewn tools.

"Problem?"

"Circuit board got fried, have to rewire the whole thing now."

"I thought you were off duty?"

"I wanted to see if I could get this done today."

"What happened to the tools?" Ford noticed an upturned toolbox against the wall, and a dent. He frowned. "And the toolbox?"

"Sorry Commander, it was an accident."

He started to move to pick everything up, but Ford laid a hand on his arm to hold him in place.

"Hell of an accident. Did it fly?"

Lucas felt his face go red. "No Sir."

Ford waited for him to say it.

"I threw it. I'm sorry."

Ford looked sideways at him. He looked tired, and Jonathon hadn't noticed how thin Lucas' face had become lately. He was the commander, and dealing with personnal issues was his job, but he suddenly wished he had delegated this to someone else. He wasn't very good at this kind of thing. Sure, he was better than Captain Hudson, but that was setting the bar pretty low.

"Lucas..." He paused, not really sure how to go on. "Lucas...is there anything you'd like to talk about?" he finished lamely.

"Excuse me, Commander?"

"Lucas..." Again, he tried to fish for the right words, "Lucas..."

"You don't have to keep saying my name. I'm not Bloody Mary."

Ford could feel his temper rising.

"No, Ensign, but I am your commander and you will speak to me respectfully!"

He saw Lucas raise a supercilious eyebrow, and lost his temper. He stood up.

"In fact, you will speak to everyone respectfully on this boat, do I make myself clear?"

Lucas sneered unpleasantly. "Oh, did I say something to upset your girlfriend?"

"That's it, Ensign. You will clear this mess and then you will work back to back shifts, do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal, Commander," Lucas enunciated.

Ford couldn't remember the last time he had wanted to hit someone this badly.

"If I get one more report - just one - about your insubordination or attitude, then this goes to Captain Hudson, and you can explain yourself to him! Pick this mess up, and I don't want to ever see you throwing things on this boat again! You're an adult now, behave like one!"

He walked out of the room.

Lucas continued to sit there for a moment, and then moved forward and started clearing away the tools.

He didn't know why he'd been so unpleasant to Ford, who was probably just trying to help. He just didn't want to talk, he didn't want anyone to get close enough to hurt him again. If he could keep everybody at arms length, he'd be okay.

He had a sense that he was falling into an abyss, and if he lost control for one moment he would sink forever. He didn't want to think about feelings. He didn't want to think about anything but work. He just wanted to be left alone, and if he had to be as unpleasant as possible to do it, then so be it.

* * *

Commander Ford started his shift with a face like thunder. Tim and Lonnie exchanged a glance.

"Looks like he spoke to him."

"And it looks like it wasn't nice..."

When Lucas walked to his station for his shift, he looked the same as any other day. In contrast, Commander Ford was glowering at him, barely concealing his annoyance.

For the whole shift the atmosphere on the bridge was tense.

At the end of their shift, Lonnie leaned towards Tim and whispered, "Well, that was fun!"

As they passed Lucas, Tim asked, "Hey Lucas, are you coming?"

"No," he smiled wryly at Lonnie, "I have to work an extra shift."

Lonnie shot a look at Ford. "Lucas, I'm sorry!"

"Sure you are. Now, maybe you could let me get back to work before your boyfriend thinks I'm being mean to you again?"

She looked shocked, and Tim grabbed her shoulders and propelled her out of there before Jonathon really did come over to investigate.

"I didn't tell him to give Lucas an extra shift!"

"I know."

"Why is he acting like this?"

Tim could only shake his head. "I'm guessing that he wants to avoid talking about anything else. He's always been bad about discussing his feelings."

"You have that in common."

"I know. Sometimes I think that's why we get on so well. He's definately nicer to me than most other people right now, but I also never try to talk about personal stuff with him. I think it makes him defensive."

"Well he needs to talk to someone soon, there's going to be a mutiny."


	11. Chapter 11

The mutiny happened sooner than they expected.

Lucas was working with a new engineering team on one of the upgrades. They made mistake after mistake, with Lucas constantly having to hover over them and correct their work. Eventually, Lucas had enough and rounded on the team with a vitriolic diatribe regarding their intelligence. The team leader, not a career Navy man, decided he was not going to be spoken to like that by a nineteen year old kid (and he didn't care what anyone said, the kid was nineteen), punched Lucas in the stomach and blacked his eye with a quick one-two punch.

Lucas sat on the floor where he had fallen and gently put his fingers to his eye. He would probably have a bruise, but otherwise he was fine. He saw the team leader - Bill Stanton, that was his name - standing over him, still angry. The rest of the team looked on in horror. One of the women - Susan? Sarah? - moved forward to help him. He looked at her coldly.

"Go. All of you, just get out now." Seeing their hesitation, he repeated, "Now!"

They left, and he sat there and tried to get his breath back. Stanton probably had a hundred pounds on him, and the stomach punch had left him winded. He'd sit there for a few minutes more, and then finish the work by himself. It would probably be quicker that way anyway.

* * *

It was about 2am when he finally finished. He could almost believe that he could sleep. For a moment, he considered just staying there where it was quiet and sleeping on the floor, but his eye was starting to throb and he realized that he needed to put some cold water on it. Ice would be better, but he was too tired to go and get it. He walked to his room, the corridors quiet at this hour. There was a night shift, but they were already on duty and everyone else was asleep.

For once, Tony wasn't asleep. They'd been serving burgers and fries in the mess, and he had, somewhat inadvisedly, eaten far more than he should have as part of a bet. Normally able to sleep through anything - he had once slept through an emergency drill - he now lay on his bed with his eyes closed as his stomach gurgled and groaned.

He heard Lucas come in, and half opened one eye to see the clock. 2.17 am. What the hell was he doing until 2.17 am? The way he'd been behaving lately, Tony doubted that he'd been enjoying any female company, no-one wanted to be around him these days.

Tony lay still and didn't speak to him. He wasn't in the mood for a fight right now, and that's all they seemed to do these days.

Lucas didn't switch on any lights, but moved around in the dim light of the aquatube.

Tony watched his outline as Lucas walked over to his computer desk and opened the drawer. He looked around surreptitiously, and Tony quickly closed his eyes and feigned sleep. He hadn't meant to spy on his friend, but something about Lucas' furtive manner made him curious. Lucas turned back to the drawer and pulled out a small box. Taking a key from his pocket, he unlocked it.

Tony watched, transfixed, as Lucas pulled out a pill bottle. He unscrewed the lid, poured them into his hand and then just sat there, looking at them. They almost seemed to shine white in the half light. He ran his fingers over them, almost as though he was counting them. There was a hunger in the way he was handling them, a hunger Tony didn't like. He looked like Tony would have looked with a handful of poker chips.

Tony saw him reach into the pile and pick one up and swallow it dry. Then, with what looked like a huge amount of effort, he returned the rest to the bottle.

He sent another furtive look in Tony's direction, and once again, Tony closed his eyes and remained perfectly still. Then he watched again as Lucas removed his shirt. For some reason, he seemed to be wearing four or five layered t-shirts underneath. With another quick look at Tony, he took something out of the box. Tony only knew what it was because of what he did next. He opened a small packet, pulled up his sleeve and wiped his arm and the first object. Then, slowly and with great care, he drew the object along his arm, and sighed.

Tony couldn't see clearly what he was doing, but he didn't need to.

The secret box, the furtiveness, the actions and the sigh - he recognized that behavior. He had a cousin who used to be a cutter. It hadn't ended well for his cousin, who had eventually decided that small cuts weren't enough and slit his wrists one day in the very hospital that was supposed to be helping him.

He realized that Lucas looked more relaxed at this moment than he had been for weeks. He was leaning back in the chair and starting to drift into sleep, when he suddenly jumped awake, surprising Tony at the same time.

Luckily, the noise of the chair covered any sound Tony made. Lucas grabbed the oversize sleep shirt and baggy pyjama bottoms that he had taken to wearing, and started running water in the bathroom. When he came out, he carefully - Tony could almost have said lovingly - put everything back in the box and tidied it away to the back of the drawer. He climbed onto his bunk, and everything was quiet again.

Tony was now wide awake, his indigestion forgotten.

Questions ran through his mind.

How had he not noticed that his friend was in this much trouble? And what should he do now? He had already lost his cousin while they were trying to help him, and he wasn't prepared to take a gamble on better success with Lucas. He knew this was bad, very bad.

He had been so focused on Lucas' bratty behavior that he hadn't really considered why he might want to drive them all away. He remembered the longing gaze at the pills. What were they, anyway?

Above him, he heard Lucas shifting restlessly. His eyes were closed, but he was moving fitfully and he started to moan. In the half light, it seemed as thought there was something wrong with his face, but Tony couldn't figure out what. He reached out and shook his friend gently.

"Lucas," he whispered, "Lucas."

Lucas shot up suddenly and slammed his back against the wall. He looked terrified. It took him a moment to recognize Tony.

"Tony?"

"Yeah, buddy, you were dreaming."

"Dreaming?"

"Yeah." Tony watched him, concerned. "Shall I put the light on?"

"No! No. Sorry." He offered Tony a fake smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I was watching a horror film before I went to sleep, guess it was creepier than I thought. Go back to sleep, I'll be fine now."

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure!" Lucas snapped.

This time, Tony could almost see the walls come up. "Okay then. Goodnight."

He climbed back into his bunk and lay there awake, listening for the sound of Lucas sleeping. After about twenty minutes, Lucas climbed back down from his bunk and grabbed his uniform. He dressed in the bathroom as he always did these days, and then came out, grabbed his laptop and left the room.

Tony sat up and rubbed his face. Whatever he had thought might be the problem with Lucas, it seemed that it was worse.


	12. Chapter 12

When Tony got to the mess hall the next morning, Lucas was grabbing a cup of coffee.

"Hey Luke! Join me for breakfast?"

Lucas had his back to him as he poured the coffee.

"I've told you a million times not to call me Luke. How long does it take to get something in that thick skull of yours?"

Tony had promised himself that he wouldn't allow himself to be goaded today.

"I'm sorry, Lucas. I guess it took one more time. So, will ya join me for breakfast?"

Lucas seemed determined not to turn around, so Tony gently placed his hand on his arm.

"Lucas?"

Lucas realized that he couldn't spend the whole day facing the wall, and turned reluctantly.

Tony gasped. "Shit! Lucas, what happened?"

Lucas' right eye was almost swollen shut and sporting colors from yellow to black.

"Nothing. It was just an accident, it's fine."

"Lucas, it's not fine! Have you been to the med bay?"

"It's a black eye, it's not life threatening. They'll tell me to put some ice on it, and I can figure that out for myself. It's not rocket science." Then he added nastily, "Well, not to me anyway. If you'll excuse me, I have to get to work."

Tony poured some coffee for himself and sat down and thought.

When the others arrived, they joined him at the table. They looked at him quizzically as he sipped his coffee.

"Not hungry today?"

"No."

They exchanged worried glances.

"Commander, do you mind me asking what happened yesterday with you and Luke?"

Ford told them what had happened. Lonnie gasped and Tim looked shocked. Tony just nodded. He'd been putting things together in his mind and he didn't like where they were going.

"Hey, when was the last time any of us saw Lucas in here to eat?"

They all looked surprised by the question.

"He's always in here first thing, I see him every morning."

"Eating?"

Lonnie thought. "No, actually. He's usually just grabbing coffee."

"So when was the last time any of us actually saw Lucas eat something?"

He stared at their blank faces. They all shook their heads.

"What's all this about, Tony?" Tim asked.

He looked around the mess hall as it began to fill up.

"Can we go somewhere quieter?"

Jonathon nodded. "Let's go to my quarters."

Tony nodded and grabbed a carafe of coffee and some cups.

* * *

In Jonathon's quarters they looked at Tony expectantly.

"So, what's all this about?"

"I think Lucas is in real trouble."

He told them about the night before.

They were shocked by the pills, but were confused by the next part of the story.

Lonnie interrupted, "I'm sorry, I don't understand. What was he doing?"

"It's called 'cutting'. It's a type of self harm. Cutters feel an emotional release by cutting themselves and drawing blood," Tim explained. Seeing their enquiring looks, he explained, "My best friend in college used to date a cutter. I'd never heard of it before, so I researched it. Tony's right, it's bad."

"Yeah, well I lost a cousin that did it. Decided one day to do his wrists. But that's not all." He paused. "Anyone notice how thin he is lately?"

Jonathon nodded, "I noticed yesterday that his face looks thin. He looks fine otherwise though."

"He's been dressing and undressing in the bathroom, didn't think anything of it. Then last night I noticed that he was wearing four or five layers under his shirt. Couldn't work out why."

Lonnie nodded in understanding, while the others still looked confused. "It's so he looks fatter. We're so used to seeing him wear all those layers, we wouldn't think anything of it. We wouldn't notice if he lost weight, except for..."

"...His face," Jonathon finished for her.

Tim straightened in his seat. "Guys, he needs help. Proper help, we can't just keep this to ourselves."

"My cousin was in hospital getting help when we lost him. You really think that Lucas would be better off if we shipped him off to some UEO nut house?"

"What can we do?" They all knew what was at stake here.

"We could talk to Doctor Perry? See what she thinks?"

"And we should tell the captain."

Tim spoke up. "No! After the incident with his father, Hudson's just looking for an excuse to kick Lucas off the seaQuest."

Tony shook his head. "No, he's not like that. He won't do anything to hurt him."

"Tony, it's different for you. He likes you. He doesn't like Lucas and me, trust me on this one."

Jonathon shook his head. "He's the captain. Whatever you think of him, he has to know. Tim does have a point though, Tony. Perhaps you could talk to him."

"Okay, no problem."

Tim was still worried. "Should we talk to Lucas first? We might be jumping to conclusions, it was late and dark, it could have been anything."

"I know what I saw. But we talk to Hudson first. If we speak to Lucas first, we could spook him and he might do something..." he trailed off, unsure how to finish the sentence, "drastic."

They all paled at the thought, but nodded.

Lonnie checked her watch. "Dammit, Jon, we're late, we've got to go."

"Hey, one more thing..."

They looked at Tony expectantly.

"Lucas also seems to have a black eye this morning."

* * *

Hudson was not happy to see two of his senior officers - his two romantically involved senior officers - arrive together, both late for their shift. Before he could say anything, Commander Ford approached him.

"I'm sorry Sir, it's not what you think. Piccolo would like to speak to you as soon as you have a moment."

Twenty minutes later, Captain Hudson joined Tony in the ward room.

"Mr. Piccolo, what can I do for you?"

Tony bit his lip. He wasn't quite sure where to start. It had been different before, talking to the others. When he was talking to the others he had been sure that Hudson would want to help. Face to face with him, he wasn't so sure.

"It's about Lucas."

Hudson's face darkened, and Tony started to lose his confidence.

"Hey, you know, we can talk about this another time..."

"Mr. Piccolo, sit down. Tell me what you were going to say."

Tony hovered, and then sat back down. He realized he'd already gone too far to turn back.

"We think Lucas is in trouble."

"Explain."

Tony told his story again, and told him the significance of the layers of clothing. Captain Hudson was very quiet for a few minutes. He pressed the comm.

"Lucas Wolenczak, proceed to your quarters immediately." He turned to Tony. "Let's go, Mr Piccolo."

Tony cleared his throat.

"Something else?"

"When I saw him this morning, he had a black eye."

Hudson raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. As they walked, he spoke into his PAL.

"Doctor Perry, meet us at Lucas Wolenczak's quarters immediately."


	13. Chapter 13

Lucas was waiting for them when they got there. His eyes flashed with panic when he saw them, and then he went white as Doctor Perry appeared.

Perry gasped as she saw his face. "Lucas, what happened?"

He answered her, but watched the others. "Just an accident, it's fine."

"You should have come to the med-bay."

"Why? It's a black eye. I'll live."

Hudson intervened. "How did it happen, Ensign?"

"This seems like a lot of fuss about a black eye."

Hudson's eyes narrowed. "You're right, it is. Let's talk about why we're really here."

Lucas froze.

"Ensign, strip to the waist."

Lucas didn't move.

"I gave you an order, Ensign."

"You can't make me do that."

"Oh, I can. I have both the authority and the manpower to do it. Now we can do it here, or we can get security in here to do it for you."

"No..."

"Fine, I'll call security..."

"Alright! Okay!"

They waited.

Slowly, as if hoping for a last minute reprieve, Lucas started to unbutton his shirt.

"Why are you making me do this? Part of your constant need to prove that you have power over everyone?"

Tony was used to Lucas' gibes by now, but still gasped to hear his rudeness to the captain.

Surprisingly, Hudson merely smiled.

"Perhaps. Any chance you could do this a little faster? I do have other things to do today."

"Sure. Wars to start, people to kill."

"Still waiting, Mr. Wolenczak."

Doctor Perry looked concerned by the exchange. She still had no idea why she was here. As he removed his outer shirt, she saw the layers underneath and made the connection.

"Oh, Lucas!"

He saw the pity in her eyes, and hated it.

"Don't 'oh, Lucas' me. I'm nothing to you, what does it matter what I do?"

"Take off the rest of the shirts, Mr. Wolenczak, and please don't talk to my doctor like that."

"She's not your doctor, just like it's not your sub!"

He was getting desperate now. They knew, somehow they knew, but if he could just distract them he might still get away.

Hudson saw the determination in his eyes. "I won't be distracted, Ensign. Shall I call security?"

Miserably, Lucas shook his head. He reached down and pulled off the remaining shirts and stood in front of them, bare chested and defiant.

They said nothing at first, and just stared at him.

How had they missed this and let it get so far? Every rib was visible and his arms looked like sticks. The skin was covered with a tracery of cuts, some healed, some fresh. A large purple bruise stood out on his stomach.

Tony broke the silence. "Oh, buddy, what have you done?"

Lucas started to shiver. Hudson handed him his discarded t-shirts. "Get dressed."

As soon as he was dressed, Hudson ordered him to sit on Tony's bed.

"As your Captain, I have the right to search this room, and I am now going to do so. You will sit there and say nothing, do you understand?"

Lucas nodded. Tony tried to work out how he was feeling, he was showing nothing.

Oddly, Lucas felt relieved. He knew the path he was on, and he knew that he was getting close to the edge.

He was so tired. He had repelled all his friends with his rudeness. He was unstable and probably a danger to everyone around him. Whatever Hudson was going to do to him now, he deserved it.

Hudson soon found the box. Lucas opened it for him, and Perry pulled out the two bottles of pills and examined them.

"I don't know what they are, I've never seen these before. Lucas?"

"The small white ones are for energy, the others help me sleep."

"Not very well, to judge by your appearance."

Hudson couldn't believe that he hadn't noticed the dark circles under Lucas' eyes.

"Where did you get them?"

For a moment Lucas looked guilty, and then he shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

"Why didn't you come to see me, Lucas? I could have given you something to help you sleep!"

"You would have told the captain. The last thing he needed was more proof that I shouldn't be here."

Tony sat next to him. "Why aren't you sleeping? Are you still having nightmares?"

Lucas nodded.

"Your father?"

"My mother's there too now. Even Captain Bridger occasionally makes an appearance!"

He tried to laugh as he said it, but it came out close to a sob.

Hudson and Perry continued to check the room as Tony sat there with Lucas. They found three more bottles and a Swiss army knife.

"I think we'll be on the safe side and take this with us for now."

"If I was going to do something, I'd have done it by now."

Tony stared at him, exasperated.

"Don't you get it? You have 'done it'! You're starving yourself to death, taking drugs and cutting yourself!"

"I don't want to die," Lucas said flatly. Even as he said it, he wondered about it. Did he? "I thought I was trying to hold on."

The others stared at him sadly.


	14. Chapter 14

"Lucas, I want you to come to med bay. I want to check you over, and I want to see what's in these pills."

He nodded. He looked defeated.

"Doc, can I come with him? Captain?"

They exchanged a glance. "If Doctor Perry doesn't mind, then you can accompany him."

"No, I don't mind."

"Tony, take Lucas to the med bay. Doctor, a moment, if I may."

She waited behind curiously.

"Those pills, where did he get them?"

"I don't know, I've never seen them before."

"I would guess that he's getting them onboard. If he was getting them from the Internex, he would have said so. Don't say anything about it, I intend to find out who his supplier is and I don't want them to have any warning. It might be one of the medical staff, so keep all of this to yourself."

She nodded in assent.

* * *

Tony and Lucas walked silently to the med bay.

Lucas balked at the doorway.

"I didn't want...I didn't mean...I didn't intend to do anything, I wasn't going to...you know."

"Yeah, I do know. I also know that it doesn't matter what you think you were going to do. Look at yourself, Lucas. You look like hell."

"I was just tired, that's all."

"Why didn't you tell anyone you were having trouble sleeping?"

"I didn't need Hudson to have one more thing against me. Like you said, I needed to keep my nose clean."

"This is the opposite of keeping your nose clean, Lucas! Why couldn't you talk to me?"

"I didn't want you think I was pathetic."

Tony shot a sideways glance at his friend. Right now, he looked like the dictionary definition of pathetic. His pale face was gaunt with dark shadows except for his swollen black eye.

"Who hit you?"

Lucas looked startled. "Huh?"

"Your black eye, your stomach. Who hit you?"

"Oh. I got a little mouthy to the wrong guy. It was my fault. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner."

Doctor Perry appeared beside them in the doorway.

"Okay guys, lets get this started."

* * *

She started her examination. At the end of it, she told Lucas to dress and wait for her to examine the pills.

Twenty minutes later, Captain Hudson came down to the med bay.

"Doctor Perry, is now a good time?"

She motioned to the others to join them in her office.

"Okay, there's bad news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

He frowned at her attempt at levity.

"I'm not altogether joking. I've examined the pills. The sleeping pills aren't too terrible, although I'm guessing by your appearance that they're not that effective either. Lucas, how much sleep have you been getting with these?"

He shrugged. "A couple of hours, maybe."

"And how much were you getting before?"

"An hour or two, but I woke up a lot."

"How long have you been having trouble sleeping?"

"Ever since I found my Dad." He was staring at the floor, not meeting anyone's eyes.

"And how long have you been taking the pills?"

"Which ones?"

"The sleeping pills?"

"About three weeks."

"And the others?"

"A little over a month, maybe five or six weeks?" He looked uncertain. "I'm not sure."

"Okay. As I said, the sleeping pills aren't too terrible. It's the other ones that worry me."

She lifted a sheet from the desk and handed it to the Captain. He stared at it blankly. She reached over and took it from him, and then handed it to Lucas. He paled as he read it.

"They're highly addictive. From the chemical breakdown, I can guess at some of the side effects. I would say, arrhythmia, sleeplessness, mood swings, irritability, depression and loss of appetite. Is that correct?"

He shrugged. "I was already sleepless. I've certainly been irritable."

"Depression?"

She got a chance to witness the mood swings and the irritability for herself. He flashed a hostile look at her.

"Gee, it's hard to tell Doctor," he stressed the word 'doctor' in the same contemptuous way that Lou would say 'sir'. "I found my father's mummified body days before I was charged with mutiny by a Board of Inquiry, and less than a week after that my mother died cursing me. So, no, I don't know if the fucking pills are making me depressed!"

Tony's voice broke the silence. "Mummified?"

"What?"

This time Captain Hudson spoke.

"I don't think you ever mentioned that the body was mummified."

Now he thought about it, he hadn't really considered what it must have been like for Lucas to actually see his father's body like that.

"Of course it was mummified! I put in my report that the power had sucked all the air and moisture out of the chamber, how else would a body look after being dried?! The hair was still there, but the skin was tight over his face and discolored. I could see his teeth. His body had curled in on itself and the hands were curled up like leaves. His feet too, his shoes had fallen off. Don't forget to put this in your report Doctor, it really gives you clarity, your brain never switches off..."

"Ensign!"

Lucas jumped, and stopped his torrent of words.

"Lucas, are you okay?"

He felt sick, he couldn't believe what he'd been saying. "Can I have some water?"

Perry poured him a glass and gave him a few minutes before continuing. Then she carried on as if they had been discussing it calmly.

"So it focuses the mind. Anything else?"

His sleeve had risen, and he stared at a barely visable faint line.

"Lucas, this might not just be you. Other people might be taking these. You need to help us understand what we're up against."

He was silent for a moment, still staring at the scar. Then he sighed.

"Compulsion. You get an idea in your mind, you have to do it." He touched the scar with his fingers.

"The cutting?"

He nodded.

"How long after you started taking them did you start cutting?"

"About two weeks."

"Thank you Lucas."

She faced Hudson.

"He's going to have a hard time getting these out of his system. I'll have to wean him off at first, it's too dangerous to just stop them. He can expect headaches, muscle aches, fever, nausea, cramps. He may experience seizures and hallucinations. It's not going to be pleasant, or easy."

"And what else?"

"I'm sorry?"

"What about the rest of it, his weight, the cuts?"

"Oh, I see. He is severely underweight. He's deficient in most vitamins, his electrolyites are out of balance, he has an elevated liver function, low blood sugar, low white blood cell count and anemia. We need to get him eating regularly and back to a healthy weight. That will be easier when he's no longer taking the drugs. Same with the cutting, I think the drugs are causing the problem, and once we have them out of his system he should be better."

"What about his sleeplessness? That's what started all of this."

Tony spoke up. "I can help with that. Now that I know about it. Me and Dagwood, we can take it in turns and help him with the nightmares. I've helped him before, and it worked."

Hudson nodded. "How long do you think he'll need?"

"It's impossible to say. It could be a couple of weeks, it could be a couple of months. I have no experience of this drug at all."

Hudson turned to Lucas. "Which brings me to a few questions of my own. Let's start with the first one. Who gave you the black eye?"

"I was being an ass. Someone punched me. He had every right to do so."

He was annoyed, but prepared to let this one go.

"Okay, let's try this one. Where did you get the drugs?"


	15. Chapter 15

Lucas went very still.

"I got them from the Internex."

Tony played poker with Lucas, and could have told him that his strength did not lie in bluffing.

"Wrong answer. I know you got them on this boat. Who gave them to you?"

Lucas stayed silent. He didn't know what to do. He hated the idea of someone selling drugs on his boat, his beloved seaQuest, but he also hated the idea of being a snitch.

"Alright, since we know it started on this boat, you can at least tell us how."

He thought. There seemed nothing wrong with answering that question.

"He noticed I looked tired, and he'd seen me wandering around at night. He'd heard you yelling at me," he suddenly realized what he'd said. "Sorry Sir."

"Carry on."

"He said he knew why I couldn't go to the doctor and get another black mark against me, and he told me he suffered from insomnia as well. And then he gave me a pill."

Tony had to say something. "An' you just took it? Coulda been anything!"

"I was so tired! I couldn't think straight. I took it, and everything was great for the rest of the day. I even sat with you guys at dinner, I felt like myself again. I went back the next day and asked him what they were and he said his cousin made them and had a business. I had to buy them."

Hudson tried to conceal his fury. The drugs were what had started this problem. Without them, he believed they would have eventually noticed that Lucas was making mistakes and they would have known something was wrong. According to the doctor, it was the drugs that led to the weight loss and the cutting.

He did admit to himself that someone should have spoken to Lucas after the discovery of his father's body, and especially when the death of his mother came hard on its heels, but they could correct that problem at least.

"Ensign, you're talking about a drug dealer aboard my boat. You didn't look for him, he came to you. Do you know how many others might be in trouble because of him? Are you prepared to have them on your conscience if something happens to them? Do you know how serious your condition is?"

Lucas bit his lip. "I can't. I shouldn't. I bought them, he didn't make me."

Doctor Perry interrupted. "Actually, in a sense, he did. As I said, they're highly addictive. You were going to want more the minute you took the first one."

"We can find out, Ensign. I can ask Henderson and O'Neill to examine every piece of security footage for the past two months and find out who you've suddenly started mixing with. If I did that, would I know who it was?"

He could see from Lucas' face that he would.

"Then, since I'm prepared to do it anyway, why not save us all a lot of time and energy and give me a name?"

Lucas realized that he was right. It would be very easy for him to find out. There was no other reason that Lucas would have suddenly started visiting Lou for five minutes at a time.

"I don't know his last name."

"So tell us what you know, Mr. Wolenczak."

"Lou. From Engineering."

"Thank you, Mr. Wolenczak."

He left the office calling for security.

* * *

Lucas rubbed his hand across his face. He suddenly felt very tired.

"So what happens to me now?"

Doctor Perry looked at him sympathetically. "Right now you need to eat something and get some sleep."

"Can I go back to my room now?"

"I'm sorry Lucas, but I think someone should be monitoring you. We can't trust you to eat or sleep, and the last thing you need to be doing tonight is wandering around the boat on your own."

"Can't you give him something to help him sleep, Doc?"

"Not with everything that's in his system right now. The last thing he needs now is more drugs."

"Can he come to our room if Dag and I look after him? We'll make sure he eats and stays in bed, and we'll call you if there's a problem."

She bit her lip, uncertain.

"Look Doc, he'd be happier in his room. We'll take care of him, promise!"

He felt that he needed to be close to Lucas and take care of him, as he wished he could have done for his cousin.

She looked doubtful, but gave in.

"Alright. Any problems at all, call me. Bring him in when he starts to feel the effects of the withdrawal." Seeing his face, she added, "Don't worry, you'll know when. He won't be able to eat much right now, we'll have to start building him back up to a proper diet. We'll try him with some soup, something that won't be too heavy on his stomach. Dagwood's been helping me today, so I'll send him along with some food "

"Sure, Doc. Can we go?" He looked at Lucas, who just looked lost.

"Yes, alright. Call me if you need me."

* * *

After leaving Tony and Lucas, Captain Hudson went to the bridge.

"Lieutenant Hendersen, you have the bridge. Commander Ford, we have something to discuss. Walk with me."

"Sir? Is this about Lucas?"

"Indirectly. You were correct about him, he's with Doctor Perry right now. But we have another problem."

"Yes, Captain?"

"We have a drug dealer on this boat, Mr. Ford, and that is not acceptable. Mr. Wolenczak was approached and given a 'sample'. I'm guessing he's not the only one, and we are going to find out who else has been affected by this."

"Yes Sir. Is Lucas going to be okay?"

"He'll be a lot better now that we can help him."

"Did he say who it was?"

"Lou, from engineering."

Commander Ford picked up his pace, his eyes blazing with anger. "Let's go."


	16. Chapter 16

Hudson and Ford told security to meet them in Engineering.

Lou's face paled when he saw them enter, and he started to back away out of the room.

"Stay right there."

Captain Hudson walked over to him and signaled to the security team.

"You two, cuff him and take him to brig. The rest of you, come with me."

He led the way to Lou's quarters and waited for security to open the door.

"Search every inch."

"Sir, what are we looking for?"

"This man has been selling drugs on my boat. I want them found, and want to know everyone that's involved. Commander Ford, let's go and talk to our prisoner."

* * *

Lou looked truculent when they walked in.

"Why am I here?"

"I think you know that, Mr. Rossi. We're here to talk about your pharmaceutical business."

His eyes narrowed. "I haven't done anything."

"Oh, you have, and you are going to tell us everything. I'll tell you why. A security team is searching your quarters right now, and almost every area of this boat is covered by security cameras. There is very little that we can't discover for ourselves. Now, you can either tell us everything, or you can make my crew work double shifts to find it out, but either way, we will know what's been going on."

He paled. He had known about the security cameras of course, but although he had been discreet at first, he had become less so as time went by. He hadn't been as careful as he should have when it came to hiding the evidence of his business, and if they were searching his room they'd discover everything soon enough.

"Alright. What do you want to know?"

At first, Hudson thought it wasn't as bad as he'd feared. Lou had been building a reasonable business in a few standard uppers and downers and a little marijuana. He had nine 'addicts' and about twenty five regulars for the recreational drugs. Hudson made a note of their names for Doctor Perry.

Then Lou told them about the newest drug.

The pills that Lucas had been taking were new - experimental. He'd only given them to a few crewmembers, he and his partner - his brother, the chemist - had decided to try it out on only five, until they got an idea of what they had.

When he gave them the names, Hudson realized that it was worse than he'd thought. Much, much worse.

The first crewmember had been given his first sample about three months ago. Chris Jenkins. He had been killed as a result of a skirmish with the Choadai one month later. Chris had taken too great a risk during the fight, something extremely out of character for him, but they'd all brushed it off as the stress of battle. Now it looked like something very different.

The second, Joe Harris, had been his roommate. He'd started the drug a few days later, after hearing Chris talk about how great it was. While taking time off for his friend's funeral, he'd run a red light while speeding and been hit by an oncoming car. Both drivers had been killed instantly.

It had seemed like tragic irony at the time, but nothing suspicious. Unlike Chris, Joe Harris had loved to drive fast cars and had a history of reckless behavior.

The third, Bess Brady, had started the drug two weeks after Joe. She had disappeared during the last shore leave. Since she had been telling her roommate how much she hated being on a sub and had taken her belongings, they had all assumed that she had gone AWOL. The police had been looking for her ever since.

The fourth, Susan Cho had started two weeks after Bess. After she had taken it for a month, she had approached Captain Hudson and requested leave to deal with a family emergency. When asked how long she needed, she had said she needed two weeks 'while her mother recovered from surgery'. After ten days, she had sent a request over the Internex for a further four weeks of leave, due to 'her mother's ill health'. Hudson had approved her request, and had not heard from her since. She'd been gone for three weeks so far.

Lou continued to talk.

'The fifth was Erik Larson. He started the same time as Susan Cho.'

Hudson and Ford looked at him in surprise.

Ford had to speak up. "I thought you said you were only going to test it on five people."

"Yeah, that's right."

"So what about Lucas Wolenczak?"

Lou grimaced. "Shoulda known we couldn't trust him and the damn kid would go tellin' tales!"

Ford was not prepared to let that go. "We found out and made him talk, just like we did with you. He wasn't going to tell us anything."

Lou snorted derisively. "We was plannin' on making Erik the last one, but Wolenczak was just too easy, and we wanted to see what it would do to a teenager."

Ford grabbed him by the collar and dragged him up from his seat, making a fist. Hudson grabbed his arm.

"Commander!"

"Captain...they chose Lucas because he was a kid! Two of those people are dead, and one is missing!" He turned to face Lou. "You knew what happened to those three and you still gave the drugs to three more people!"

"Stand down, Mr. Ford."

Ford threw Lou back down into his seat.

Captain Hudson immediately ordered security to - gently - escort Erik Larson to the med bay to be seen by Doctor Perry.

"How long has Mr. Wolenczak been taking it?"

"About six weeks."

"What made you choose these people? How did you approach them?"

"I knew Chris and Erik, they've bought from me before. They were looking for something new and different. Chris told Joe, that's why he started. I found Bess crying one day 'cause her supervisor didn't like her work, said she was too slow. It just went from there. Susan was frustrated, she was up for the officer's exam and has problems studying. I told her this clears the mind and improves the memory. She tried it and loved it."

Hudson clenched his jaw.

"And Lucas?"

"Kid's been wandering around looking like death for weeks, and I'd heard you yellin' at him. He was easy to convince."

The commander and the captain shared a glance. How had this man noticed what none of them had seen, when they worked with Lucas everyday?

"Were any of them taking anything else?"

"They all started taking sleeping pills after a few weeks, it messes up your ability to sleep. 'Cept Joe, he wasn't taking them long enough."

"Do you know what happened to Bess?"

Lou looked furtive.

"You may as well tell us everything at this point."

"It seems to bring out the worst in 'em. Chris and Joe got really reckless, thought they were invincible. Started doing dumb stuff, couldn't stop themselves. Chris told me he an' Joe played Russian roulette one night. I've noticed Erik has got kinda weird. When he's giving me the money, he counts it six times, and if he gets interrupted he has to start again. Stuff like that. Bess told me that she was really depressed. When she didn't come back from shore leave, I jus' put two and two together and figured she'd done something stupid."

"Oh God." Commander Ford put his hand over his face.

"But she cleared out her room."

Hudson only had to look at Lou's guilty face to guess what had happened. "You cleared it."

"Hey, I just guessed what mighta happened. I couldn't let her room be searched, you'd have found the pills."

Hudson could take no more. He turned around and left the brig. "Watch him. No visitors, no communications, understood?"

The guards nodded.


	17. Chapter 17

The two of them headed to the med bay. Doctor Perry came out to greet them.

"Captain."

"Doctor, have you examined Mr. Larson?"

"Similar to Lucas, although not quite as bad. Erik tells me he's suffering from the OCD he had as a child."

"Why is it worse for Wolenczak?"

"It could be a couple of reasons. First, we know that he was having problems before, so he was probably physically weaker when he started taking the drug, and also his age may be a factor."

"Will they be okay?"

"I hope so. We can start to try and wean them off, and hopefully the side effects will vanish as well. I'm keeping Erik here so that I can monitor him. Tony said he'd watch Lucas and bring him back in when the withdrawal begins."

"Thank you Doctor. May we see Mr. Larson?"

Erik Larson didn't look as thin as Lucas, but he didn't look like a healthy man. He was thinner than he should have been and extremely pale with dark shadows beneath his eyes.

They spoke to him briefly. Commander Ford was surprised to see a different side to the captain, a man who cared about his people. He offered words of encouragement and assured Erik that this was not something that he would be disciplined for. Commander Ford hoped that the same would apply to Lucas.

* * *

After the visit to the med bay, Tony and Lucas walked to their quarters. There weren't many people about and Lucas kept his head down the whole way. When they got there, Lucas sat heavily on his computer chair and looked at Tony.

"So what now?"

"Now, you get changed and get some sleep. When Dagwood gets here with the food I'll wake you. But try and sleep for right now, you look wiped."

Lucas nodded. "I am. But I won't sleep. Tony, it's not like I haven't tried, I'm so tired, I'd love to sleep!"

"Yeah, well, we weren't there to help you. But we're here now, so you'll sleep."

He picked up Lucas' neatly folded nightclothes and tossed them to Lucas. "Here."

Lucas started to move towards the bathroom.

"May as well change here like you used to. Don't need to hide anymore. And we'll swap for tonight, you sleep in my bunk so I can keep an eye on you."

"You shouldn't have to do that."

"Yeah, well, I'm a glutton for punishment. You've had a really crappy time lately, and not just all of this. Must have been hard coming back and finding you had no parents, and then Cap..."

"No! Please, Tony, don't...I can't, not right now!"

"Okay."

Tony could see that a big part of this had been caused by Bridger's defection. Lucas was used to his parents rejection. He expected that. But he hadn't been prepared for Bridger to leave, and it seemed like that wound was still very fresh.

Lucas sat on Tony's bunk clutching his pyjamas. All of the fight seemed to have gone out of him. Tony sighed.

There was a side of him that not many people got to see, or would ever have expected of him; he had grown up caring for his sisters and cousins and a few strays that came their way. They seemed to have the house that the kids came to when their mothers were entertaining 'uncles' or the fathers were drunk, and Tony and his mother had helped them out as much as they could. Maybe that was why he wanted to help his friend right now. He was a stray like the rest of those kids.

Tony sat down on the bunk beside Lucas, and pulled him into a hug so that his head was resting against Tony's shoulder. Lucas pulled back, resisting.

"It's okay, Luke. No-one's gonna see, and I won't tell anyone."

He guessed that Lucas desperately needed contact right now. Just plain, simple human contact. He wondered how long it had been since anyone had just hugged him.

Lucas looked at Tony for a moment assessing the situation, and trying to hold back. Then he gave in. He allowed himself to lean against his friend while the tears rolled down his cheeks and soft sobs racked his body. For the first time, he cried for his father and his mother, for Captain Bridger and the ten missing years, and for a life where things just seemed to keep getting harder. All the time, Tony just kept his arm around his friend and whispered words of comfort.

Perhaps someone, sometime, had held Lucas in their arms as he cried, but if they had, he couldn't remember. He'd never even cried in front of Bridger, already at fifteen believing that it was wrong to be so weak. But now, after everything that had happened, he cried in Tony's arms until, worn out, he fell asleep.


	18. Chapter 18

Tony heard a soft knock at the door. Perry must have told Dagwood to be quiet just in case.

"Dagwood?"

The gelf peered around the door. "Did you say come in?"

"I was about to!"

Their voices were low.

Dagwood looked at Lucas lying against Tony's chest. He looked very small and fragile.

"Is something wrong with Lucas? Doctor Perry told me to bring some soup for him, and to bring some food for us."

"Yeah, Lucas isn't very well right now, we need to look after him."

"What's wrong with him?"

Tony thought for a moment for an explanation.

"He hasn't been sleeping, he's been having bad dreams. Because of that, he's been taking some pills that weren't very good for him, and he stopped being hungry, so he's lost a lot of weight. We need to help him sleep, and eat, and stop taking the pills."

Dagwood looked sadly at Lucas. "Poor Lucas! I've had bad dreams before, they made me wake up. I was tired afterwards."

"Yeah, that's what it's like for Lucas. But we can help him go back to sleep when he wakes up, can't we Dagwood?"

Tony gently shook his friend awake. Lucas suddenly realized where he was and pushed back from Tony, embarrassed, wiping his face with his hands.

"Dagwood got you some food, you should eat it before it gets cold."

Tony got up and handed him the cup of soup and grabbed himself a sandwich. Lucas held onto the cup, but made no move to drink it.

"Lucas, I promised Perry that you'd eat. You'll have to go back to the med bay otherwise."

Lucas started to drink. When he'd drank about half of it, he jumped up, and putting the cup down on the table, ran to the bathroom where he was sick to his stomach.

"Shit!" Tony rushed into the bathroom and knelt beside his friend. When Lucas finished emptying the contents of his stomach, he pushed himself back and lent against the wall.

"Come on, let's get you out of here."

Tony reached over and lifted him from the floor. He was shocked at how light his friend was, he could have carried him. He helped him into the room and sat him back on the bed.

"I'm gonna call Perry, okay?"

Lucas shook his head. "It was just the soup, I ate too much."

"You drank half a freakin' cup of soup, there's no way that was too much food!"

"She'll make me go back to the med bay, I just want to stay here."

Tony bit his lip, and then picked up his PAL. "Doctor Perry?"

They heard her voice, tinny and distant. "Yes? What's wrong?"

"Luke was sick. Says it's from drinking too much soup, but he only had half a cup. Wants to stay here though."

There was a pause.

"Okay. But let me know if anything changes."

"I will, Doc. Thanks."

Lucas' relief was palpable.

"'Kay, here's how we're doin' this. You're gonna take my bunk, and Dag an' me are gonna take care of you. If you feel bad, or need the doc, you tell us, okay?"

"Okay."

He grabbed his pyjamas and started for the bathroom.

"An' no more of that, remember? You change in here like you used to. No more secrets."

Lucas looked for a moment as if he might protest, and then shrugged his shoulders. He started to remove his shirts. Dagwood's eyes went wide as he saw Lucas' chest and arms for the first time.

"Lucas?"

Tony answered for him. "Remember I told you he wasn't very well? But it's okay 'cause we're going to make him feel better, ain't we Dag?"

Lucas' mood swung again.

"Mind not talking about me as if I'm not in the room?" he snapped. "It's bad enough that you're acting like my fucking nanny, you don't have to talk about me like I'm a four year old!"

Tony forgot himself for a moment. "Maybe if you stop acting like a four year old, we'll stop treating you that way!"

Lucas jumped up to respond, and suddenly found himself hit by a wave of dizziness. Tony immediately felt sorry. He grabbed Lucas' arm and guided him back to the bed. With a hand still on his arm, he pulled back the sheets and sat him on the bed.

"Just go to bed, Lucas. Get some sleep."

Suddenly exhausted, Lucas nodded and lay down. He was asleep within minutes.

Dagwood asked, "Why's he look like that, Tony?"

"You remember I said that he hasn't been eating? That's why he's so skinny. And because he's so tired, he can be kinda mean sometimes, so someone punched him. That's why he had that big bruise and the black eye."

"But why's he got all them cuts on his arms?"

Tony sighed. This was going to be hard to explain.

"Because he was bein' mean to himself as well, and he wanted to punish himself. The cuts made him feel better."

The dagger's eyes were wide as he considered this. He leaned forward and pulled the sheets straight over his friend. "We'll make him feel better."

They sat quietly for a while, and Tony found himself starting to doze. He was pulled out of it by Dagwood shaking him.

"Tony!"

He looked over at Lucas. He was mumbling and turning in his sleep, obviously getting deeper and deeper in the nightmare. Before Tony could do anything, he jerked awake, his eyes round with terror.

He saw their startled expressions and rubbed his eyes. "Sorry."

"What was that about?"

"The usual." At Tony's questioning glance, "You know. Mummified father, rotting corpse of a mother." His attempt to be cavalier about it fell flat as his voice choked on the words.

"Jeez, Lucas!" Tony walked over to the bed. He could see Lucas shaking from across the room. "Budge up."

"What?"

"C'mon, make some room here." He pushed Lucas over to wall and pulled a pillow from the top bunk. Placing it against the head of the bed, he climbed on top of the sheets beside him.

"Tony!"

"Relax, you're not my type!" Tony grinned at him, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

"But..."

"This worked last time, didn't it?"

"Tony, I'm not a child!"

In an unguarded moment, Tony couldn't help but ask, "Were you ever?"

Lucas was caught for a moment. He thought back on a childhood that had no time for games and silliness, just hard work and studying.

At his silence, Tony put his arm around him.

"Just let us help you tonight. Go back to sleep."

Lucas could never sleep again after one of those dreams, but to his surprise he found himself drifting off almost immediately. He felt safe for once.

Just as he had that night at the motel, every time Lucas began to stir, Tony would talk to him in low, comforting tones. After a while, Tony himself fell asleep, and Dagwood tried to take over. His voice wasn't as soft as Tony's, and he found it harder to think of things to say, but it seemed to work just as well. They continued that way until 5am.


	19. Chapter 19

This time, when Lucas started to stir, the soft words didn't work. He didn't start up this time, but slowly came awake, and moved to disentangle himself from Tony, who was sleeping soundly.

"Hey Dagwood," he whispered.

"Hey Lucas. Do you feel better?"

Despite everything, he smiled. "It was nice to sleep. I've been so tired."

He started to get up.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"Bathroom."

"Oh. Okay."

Lucas looked a little shaky as he stood, and held onto the bunk for a few minutes. When he got back from the bathroom, his face was very white and he was shivering. He dressed and then sat in the chair opposite Dagwood.

"You should be sleeping."

"I can't sleep anymore, I have a headache. I just need..."

His voice broke off as he realized what he needed. He needed a pill. He massaged his temples. There were no more pills. Hudson's search had been very thorough, and he hadn't thought to hide any individual ones. His mouth felt dry as the pounding in his head started to build in intensity.

"Dagwood, could you get me some water?"

"Sure Lucas." He was back within seconds with a cold glass.

"Thanks."

He took the glass from him with trembling hands and started to sip, and then he put the cold glass to his head.

It didn't help.

Sharp bolts of pain started to shoot across his brain, and his eyes felt sore and heavy.

"Dagwood, I think I should go to the med bay now."

Dagwood nodded and shook Tony awake.

"Wha...?"

"Tony, Lucas says he needs to go to the med bay."

Tony was instantly alert. He saw Lucas sitting at the table, white as a sheet except for the multi-colored bruise on his face. He was trembling as he tried to sip a glass of water, and kept rubbing his temples.

"Headache?"

"Yeah."

"C'mon, let's go."

Lucas stood up, unsteadily.

Tony went to help him, and Lucas shook him off with a hint of annoyance.

"I can walk!"

Despite his assurances, Lucas seemed to be having huge problems walking in a straight line, and Tony kept having to steer him towards their goal.

By the time they got there, Lucas was wincing at the pain in his head.

There was a nurse on duty when they arrived, and she broke off from tending to a patient to greet them.

Tony gave her a winning smile.

"Hey, can we see Doc Perry?" he added quickly, 'She's expecting us."

The nurse nodded and went to call her. The three of them sat down to wait.

"Lucas?"

They all stood as Doctor Perry greeted them, and Tony grabbed Lucas as he stumbled.

"Okay, let's get you into a bed."

She took his arm and led him over, and then handed him a gown and drew the curtains.

"Call when you're ready."

Hearing a noise she looked back behind the curtain. He was leaning against the small table clutching the gown.

"Lucas?"

"S..sorry, I tripped."

He tried to recover his balance, but his head was swimming.

She took his arm and guided him to the bed. "I'll help, okay?"

She tried not to wince as she saw his chest again, with the bruising and the ribs. She tied the gown around him and removed his shoes and socks.

"I can do the rest, it's alright." She stayed nearby as he lay back on the bed and slowly removed the rest of his clothes.

He started to shiver.

"I'll get you some blankets."

Tony poked his head around the curtain.

"Can we come in?"

"Yeah." He lay his head back on the bed.

"You cold?"

"She's gone to get me some blankets." He winced.

"Head still hurting?"

He nodded and bit his lip.

Doctor Perry came back and threw some blankets over him.

"How are you feeling?"

"Headache. Really bad." He was speaking now through gritted teeth.

"Okay, I'll get you something. Anything else?"

"Dizzy. Stomach feels...odd. Jittery."

"Just lie back and try to relax."

"If I could relax, I would!" He rubbed his temples. "You said you'd get me something, my head is about to explode!"

"Lucas..." Tony squeezed his shoulder.

"Get off me!"

Both he and Tony suddenly flashed back to that day at the hospital, and his mother telling him not to "paw" at him.

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright."

Doctor Perry handed him a couple of tablets and a glass of water. When he'd finished, she took the glass from him and started to hook him up to an IV.

"What's that for?"

"He's going to become increasingly dehydrated, we need to keep his system in balance."

Lucas lay back on the pillow and closed his eyes. It felt as though someone was driving spikes through his brain. He pushed against his temples with the heel of his hands. He felt something cool against his forehead, and looked up to see Dagwood with a damp cloth.

"Doctor Perry said this might help. Does it help, Lucas?"

"Yes. Thanks."

* * *

He didn't know how long he lay like that. It felt like hours. His head was agonizing, and his heart was racing in his chest. He started to feel his breath coming in ragged bursts. He heard Tony say, "I'll get the doc," and then someone put an oxygen mask over his mouth. He was aware of someone holding his wrist, and then felt a stethoscope placed on his chest.

Perry's voice this time. "His heart is racing, I'll try and get something to calm him down."

And then he wasn't really aware of anything for a time except an overwhelming feeling of panic and dread.

His eyes flew open and he jolted back to consciousness.

He felt a hand on his chest, and saw the concern in Tony's eyes.

"Hey, it's okay. You're alright."

He brushed away his hair and found it damp with sweat, even though he was shivering.

"Cold..."

"We'll get you more blankets. How's your head?"

In normal circumstances, he would have said agonizing, but compared to earlier... "Better." Even still, he had to squint against the light.

"You want some water?"

"Please."

Tony raised the bed and handed him a glass. When Lucas' hand was shaking too much to hold it steady, he helped him drink.

A nurse walked over and placed another blanket on top of him.

"Here you go Lucas, we found a warming blanket for you, this should help."

"T..thanks."

"You're welcome. Can I get you anything else?"

She smiled at him. She was one of the old crew and had seen him grow up on the boat.

"No. Sorry." Her attention made him feel guilty.

"Aw, sweetheart, it's not your fault!"

Glancing at Tony, she added, "Hudson's already found another victim of that pusher!" She motioned with her head to the other bed. "Don't you worry Lucas, we're going to take good care of you."

Tony wanted to know more. "Another?"

"Yes." She flashed him a look that said she didn't want to talk about it in front of Lucas. "Anyway, I have to go. Let me know if you need anything."


	20. Chapter 20

He seemed to drift in and out.

He remembered Dagwood wiping his forehead, and waking up from a terrible dream, but he couldn't remember it once he was awake. Voices drifted in and out, and he was so hot that he was sweating, but so chilled that his skin hurt.

The next time he woke up, it was to overwhelming nausea. His eyes sought Tony.

"S..sick."

Tony took a moment and then realized just in time what he was telling him. He quickly grabbed an emesis basin from the side table.

"Dagwood, help him up!"

Lucas had been struggling to push himself up, and suddenly felt strong hands lifting him over the bowl as he emptied what little he had in his stomach. He saw Tony wince as he pulled back, and felt tears of shame run down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

Tony grabbed a damp cloth and wiped over his face. "Nobody blames you Lucas, this isn't your fault! We just want you to get better, that's all you need to worry about."

"You shouldn't have to do that!" He waved at the bowl now covered with a towel. "I saw your face, it's gross."

"The only thing you saw in my face was worry. You're tearing your guts up, there's nothing left inside you. Dag and me, we wanna look after you, we just want you to get well."

"Yes Lucas, you need to get well."

Lucas tried to smile at his friends but the effort was exhausting. His anxiety was starting to make him feel breathless again, and Tony leaned forward and placed the mask back over his mouth.

He drifted out again.

* * *

Tony and Dagwood sat beside his bed and watched him as he fell into a light, restless sleep.

They were so focused on their own thoughts that they didn't hear anyone approach until they heard Jonathon ask, "How is he?"

They saw Lonnie and Tim behind him. Tony sighed and rubbed his face.

"It's as bad as we thought. Maybe worse. You should see him, he's like a skeleton. Hasn't been sleeping, hasn't been eating...he's a mess."

At that moment, he started awake again. Tim leaned forward and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Hi Lucas, we came to see how you're feeling."

Lucas tried to smile, but winced as a sharp pain ran through his head. Dagwood reached for another damp cloth and placed it on his forehead. Lucas grimaced. He brushed away the cloth and started to sit up.

"That isn't helping!"

Tim and Ford exchanged a worried glance. It wasn't like Lucas to snap at Dagwood.

"Can we get you something?"

"My head hurts...why can't you help me? Why won't you get me something?"

His voice was plaintive, pleading. He hunched forward, pressing his head between his hands. He was shivering, but when Lonnie tried to cover him with a blanket, he shook it off.

"It's too hot in here."

Ford looked around the room, and saw Doctor Perry in her office.

"I'll get the doctor."

As he made his way towards the office, he heard the sudden loud beeping of a monitor. Startled, he looked over to Lucas, but he was still clutching his head. Ford turned his eyes towards the bed that contained Erik, and was horrified to see him seizing and convulsing.

Doctor Perry ran from her office towards the bed where her med team were frantically working on their patient. He writhed and twisted away from them until he suddenly fell back, still at last. The beeping regained a normal rhythm.

Ford left Doctor Perry attending to Erik, and made his way back to Lucas, who was now curled up in a ball, clutching his head. Ford felt sure that his face was a mirror of the shocked faces he saw around him.

They could just make out Lucas' whispered pleas, "Make it stop, please just make it stop."

* * *

Jonathon Ford and Tim O'Neill sat beside Lucas' bed. Ford had ordered Tony and Dagwood to get some sleep, arguing that they'd be no use to Lucas if they didn't, and lack of sleep was what had started this whole mess. They left - reluctantly - but they left.

Perry had given Lucas something to help him sleep, hoping that would ease his headache. She was still anxious about mixing too many drugs in his system, but the pain in his head was becoming unmanageable. He was sleeping, but restlessly, and he was obviously still in a lot of pain.

Tim had taken over Dagwood's task of wiping his brow with a cool cloth. He didn't know if it was helping, but he felt he needed to do something.

He and Jonathon exchanged a glance.

"How did we miss this, Jon? What kind of friends are we?"

Ford looked equally guilty. "We knew something was wrong." He tried to offer a defence. "I tried to talk to him."

"Not until later. Not until it was almost too late."

Neither of them said the words they were both thinking, that it might still be too late.

"Why didn't we see this before?"


	21. Chapter 21

Ford and Tim watched him as he tossed and turned and mumbled on the bed. He raised an arm to cover his face and they saw it exposed, stick thin and covered in a tracery of cuts.

"Lou said that Lucas was an easy target because he'd been wondering around 'looking like death for weeks'. I keep hearing that in my head. He saw it. 'Looking like death for weeks'."

"He's been different. Since Bridger left, he's been different. We should have talked to him then. Damn it, he should never have joined up in the first place!"

Ford was shocked to hear cursing from Tim, but he could understand it.

"I know. Things have been getting bad for him for a long time, and we just stopped noticing. We've all had our own stuff that we're going through, and...I guess we just got too wrapped up in our own problems."

Tim nodded. "We should have been watching him. He's only just turned nineteen, he's been with us since he was fifteen. We're the only family he has, and we know he doesn't like to talk about things. Anyone would have needed to talk about the kind of things he's been through, we should have made him talk to us."

Lucas shivered. Tim reached out and pulled the sheets higher to cover him.

"Captain Bridger should be here. Why did he leave anyway?"

"You know why he left. He left to raise his grandson."

"He had responsibilities here, to us. To him."

"He had responsibilities to Micheal. And to Robert, if he's out there somewhere."

"He's been back twice since he left. Looking after Michael didn't seem to interfere with that."

They didn't notice that their voices were starting to raise, and neither of them noticed the figure on the bed opening his eyes and following their argument.

"Jon, you know what I'm talking about. He treated Lucas like he was a son, Lucas worshipped him, you know that. And then he just took off. You were there, you saw what happened. When the captain told us he was leaving, that was the first Lucas heard of it. Didn't ask him if he wanted to go with him, didn't even tell him first."

Ford felt he needed to defend his former captain.

"Tim, Lucas was eighteen years old, he was old enough to decide for himself. Bridger wasn't responsible for him, he's an adult."

"Bridger has been like a father to him since he was fifteen. He shouldn't have just left him like that, without a word."

"Michael and Robert are his family, Tim. Whatever you say, Lucas is still just a kid that he was close to for a while. He didn't owe him anything!"

Another thing neither of them had noticed was Doctor Perry approaching them. She caught the tail end of their argument, and saw Lucas' blue eyes fixed intently on them. Tears welled in his eyes as he heard the last thing that Ford said, and he closed his eyes against a pain that wasn't physical.

Perry felt her heart contract as she saw him. Ford and O'Neill hadn't even noticed he was awake.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

They turned and looked at her in surprise.

"Get out now, both of you."

Ford was shocked, and started to argue, and Tim looked down at the bed. He saw what Doctor Perry had seen, and he was aghast.

"Oh, Lucas, I'm sorry!"

At his words, Ford looked as well and realized what he must have heard. Perry pushed him aside and leant over Lucas.

"Lucas, honey, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

Lucas turned his head to the pillow and ignored them all.

Perry was furious.

"I don't know what the hell you think you were doing, but you can both get out of my med bay now. He's going through enough right now without the two of you making him feel worse!"

They looked stricken. Ford tried to explain, "I'm sorry, we didn't think..."

"Clearly. Out!"

Tim called over to his friend. "I'm sorry Lucas. I'm really sorry."

They left the med bay, heads hanging low.

* * *

Doctor Perry sat on the edge of the bed and turned Lucas to face her. His eyes were red, and he didn't want to meet her gaze.

"Lucas, look at me." He tried to pull away, but she held him firm. "Please, tell me what they said?"

He shook her away, and then winced. "I just want to sleep, can't you just leave me alone?"

She saw that he didn't want to tell her anything. "It might make you feel better to talk."

He shook his head and repeated, "I just want to sleep."

She sighed in frustration. "Okay. Call me if you need anything."

She straightened up, and went to find Ford and O'Neill.

She found them in the mess hall. They were just sitting down at a table with Lonnie Henderson.

"What the hell was that about?"

Henderson looked up in surprise as Ford and O'Neill looked guilty.

Ford spoke first. "I'm sorry, we didn't think. We thought he was sleeping."

She was in no mood for excuses. "He WAS sleeping! You woke him up when you were arguing! You know how fragile his emotional state is right now! What were you fighting about that upset him?"

They looked at each other, shamefaced. Finally, Tim spoke up.

"We were arguing about Captain Bridger. I said that Bridger had abandoned him, and Commander Ford..." he trailed off, and Ford continued for him.

"I said that the captain didn't owe him anything and he wasn't Bridger's family. I said he was just a kid that Bridger was close to for a while."

He heard Lonnie gasp in horror. Before Perry could speak, Lonnie left her seat.

"You...you idiots! How could you?!"

She left the room and headed straight for the med bay.

* * *

Lucas was lying on his back, his arm covering his face. He didn't look up when she arrived.

"Hey Lucas." She sat next to him.

Tact had never been her greatest skill, and she'd rushed down to his side before she thought of what she would say.

"I heard what Jon and Tim said. They're really sorry."

"Why?"

She wasn't sure what he was asking. "Why what?"

"Why are they sorry? They didn't say anything that everyone didn't already know."

"Lucas..."

She wasn't sure what to say. He had a point, some of what they said was undoubtedly true. He wasn't part of Captain Bridgers family, and Bridger had abandoned him. They'd all been surprised and shocked by it. She decided to stick with safer ground.

"They shouldn't have said it."

"Why not, if it was true?"

She was finding this harder than she'd thought.

"They didn't mean to hurt you."

He sighed and pushed himself up so he was resting against the pillows.

"I know. It's not their fault, it's stupid that it bothered me."

She didn't know what she should say.

"Would you tell them it was nice of them to come and see me? And it's good to see you too. I don't know why you're all visiting me, I've been pretty nasty to you all lately."

"You're our friend, we love you." She leaned over and squeezed his hand. "We just wish you could have told us what was wrong."

He closed his eyes and pressed the heels of his hands against his throbbing head. Almost to himself, he answered, "Everything's wrong. It always has been."


	22. Chapter 22

_Originally, I didn't plan to go any further with the guy who hit Lucas, but reviewer Sandra asked for some resolution! Sandra, I re-wrote this chapter especially for you! Hope you like it!_

* * *

As soon as Tony woke up, he made his way to the med bay.

Lonnie was sitting beside Lucas' bed looking worried. When she saw Tony, she hurried over to him. He saw Lucas watching them from across the room.

"What's wrong?"

"Jon and Tim were talking," she corrected herself, "arguing, I guess, while they were visiting Lucas earlier. Tim said that Bridger had abandoned Lucas, and Jon said...well, he said that Lucas wasn't Bridger's family and he didn't owe him anything. Lucas overheard."

Tony eyes went wide. "You're joking. They couldn't be that tactless!"

She bit her lip and looked at her feet. "They're really sorry."

He looked across the room and met Lucas' eyes. "Okay. Thanks. How's he been?"

"He can't seem to sleep, just keeps lying there trying to but it doesn't happen. I can tell he's tired. And he seems really low, y'know? I don't know what to do..."

"Where's the doc?"

"They made her get some sleep, she was exhausted. She should be back soon."

"Okay, don't worry. I got this. Go get some dinner."

He went to sit beside Lucas.

"Hey Luke, how ya feelin'?"

Lucas had been fielding that question all afternoon, not wanting to complain. He hadn't realized how much he had been waiting for Tony to come back.

"I'm so tired, Tony. I can't sleep, I just close my eyes and my mind won't switch off but I'm so tired!"

"It's okay, we'll figure something out. I know the doc doesn't want to give you any more drugs right now. How about we just talk?"

Lucas smiled gratefully as Tony started talking about a movie he'd recently watched. It was an easy conversation, requiring little from him, and he started to relax at last.

* * *

Doctor Perry returned from her nap and was pleased to see Tony chatting to Lucas and Lucas looking more relaxed. She was surprised when Bill Stanton walked into the med bay, asking if he could see Lucas.

She was immediately suspicious. She hadn't seen him mixing much with Lucas' regular circle of friends and was worried in case he might be connected somehow with Lou.

She looked over at the bed. Lucas lay back listening to Tony, his eyes closed against the lights of the med bay, but not asleep.

"Wait here, I'll ask him."

She walked over.

"Lucas."

He opened his eyes and winced a little against the light.

"Bill Stanton is here, he wants to see you. I thought I'd check, I don't recall ever seeing the two of you together."

Tony looked worried, and then angry. "Do you know him? Lucas, is he a friend of Lou's?"

Lucas shook his head. "No, I don't think so. What does he want, did he say?"

Perry shook her head. "I don't know. I can send him away if you don't want to see him."

Lucas squinted over at him. "No, it's okay."

He was pretty sure that Stanton wasn't going to start anything here in the med bay, and was curious to know why he was there.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. It's okay."

Tony and Perry exchanged a glance. If Bill was connected with Lou, they didn't want him threatening Lucas or worse, slipping him more pills.

"I ain't leaving, Luke. Whatever he has to say, he can say in front of me, okay?"

Lucas smiled a little at his friends defensive attitude.

"Sure." He didn't want to admit it, but he was a little relieved.

Bill walked over to the bed and stared, wide eyed, at the sight of Lucas wrapped in a hospital gown without the layers of clothing that he usually wore. The boy was just skin and bones and looked even younger than his nineteen years.

He realized he was staring and cleared his throat.

"I heard you'd been admitted to the med bay, and I worried in case...that is, if it was me that..." He gestured towards the bed.

Lucas suddenly realized what he was thinking.

"No! No." Lucas knew he couldn't let Bill think that this was his fault.

"I've been having a few problems, that's why I've been a little...short tempered lately. It's nothing to do with you."

He was trying not to say anything in front of Tony, who was watching them both curiously.

Bill looked at his quizzical expression and decided to just come clean.

"Look, I'm sorry. I've got a really short fuse sometimes, my wife's always telling me it will get me into trouble some day. I shouldn'ta hit you. 'Specially with you being..." he tried to think of a tactful way to describe the emaciated boy in front of him, "...sick an' all," he finished lamely.

Tony's eyes went wide, and he shot up from his seat.

"That was you? You hit him? You're twice his size! Why don't you pick on someone your own size, huh?"

Bill looked down at his feet, ashamed.

Tony felt Lucas pull on his arm. "Tony, sit down."

"But Luke, this guy..."

"...Just apologized! Leave it, Tony."

"But Luke!"

"Tony, if you can honestly tell me that you haven't considered punching me once in the past six weeks, then you can hit him, okay?"

Tony opened his mouth to retort, and then looked at Lucas and turned red. He sat back down.

"Piccolo's right though. Doesn't matter what you were sayin', I'm twice your size and you're just a kid..."

Now it was Lucas' turn to get annoyed.

"I'm not a kid, and I've been working on this boat for three years, which is...oh, let me see...two and a half years longer than you! I'm also your superior officer."

Bill realized he'd said the wrong thing, and looked to Tony for help.

Lucas was rubbing his temples again and Doctor Perry started to approach. Tony sighed, and decided to help.

"He knows that Lucas, he's just sayin' that 'cause you an I are so much younger than he is. You know what these older guys are like!"

He cast a look at Bill, pleading with him to go along with it. Bill looked back, gratefully.

"Yeah, that's right! Everyone looks like a kid to me these days, sometimes it feels like I'm the oldest one here!"

Lucas sighed as his mood swung again.

"Sorry. I know what you meant, it's okay. I'm just a little..." now he searched for a word, "tense right now. And I'm sorry for what I said before. I shouldn't have spoken to any of you that way. Will you tell the others I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, I'll tell 'em." He grinned, trying to lighten the mood. "Wasn't like you were wrong!"

Lucas smiled back. "Thanks. And don't worry, I haven't told anyone."

Bill was offended.

"That's not why I came down here! Anyway, I put in a report to Captain Hudson once I cooled down. He should've seen it by now, don't know why he hasn't called me in yet."

"I wouldn't have said anything!"

"Yeah. Figured that out once I realized that two days had passed and I hadn't been called to his office."

"So why'd you tell him?" Lucas leaned back against the pillow and closed his eyes for a moment.

""Cause I really am sorry. Hey, you look tired, I'm gonna clear out. We good?"

"Yeah, we're good. Thanks."

Bill nodded to Tony and then left. They sat in silence for a moment.

Lucas rubbed his hand across his face and sighed. Tony raised the bed for him and handed him a cup of water.

"Here, drink this, doc says you need to stay hydrated."

Lucas took the glass from him but instead of drinking, he just stared at the water.

"Jon and Tim came by earlier."

"Yeah, I heard." Tony waited to see what he would say about it.

"They started arguing."

"Yeah."

"Tim said...he said..."

"He said?"

"He said that Captain Bridger," he swallowed as his voice cracked on the name, 'that he abandoned me." He didn't look up as he spoke.

Tony was curious where this was going. "And?"

Lucas finally looked up. "Why would he say that?"

Now Tony was completely confused. "What?"

"Why would he think that...," he paused over the name, '...that he abandoned me?"

"Because he did!"

Lucas looked away again.

"Commander Ford was right, I wasn't family. And I was eighteen, an adult. He didn't owe me anything."

Tony wasn't sure how to handle this, but he knew that although Lucas was saying the right words, he still felt wounded by it all.

"Lucas...you were fifteen when you first met Captain Bridger, and everyone says he was like a father to you. Even when I came on board, I could see what you had was pretty special. He treated you like his son even if you weren't."

He saw the glass in Lucas' hand start to shake and he leaned forward and took it from him.

"You loved him, Lucas, and he loved you. He owed you an explanation at least. And you may have been eighteen when he left, but because of him and seaQuest, you didn't have anyplace you could go. He should have given you some options. He should have taken better care of you."

He saw a tear run down Lucas' cheek, and leaned forward and wiped it away with his thumb.

"We should all have taken better care of you."

"Why are you all being so nice to me? I've been horrible to you, I've said some really nasty things."

"That's okay, I've got a pretty thick skin."

He noticed that Lucas' eyes were starting to droop.

"You look like you could get some sleep now, wanna try?"

Lucas acted as though he didn't hear him.

"It's me, Tony. I drive everyone away. Everyone. Not just the captain and my parents, but people like Ben Krieg and Doctor Westphalen. Everyone leaves me. I thought if I tried not to care it wouldn't matter so much. If I could just get you all to leave me alone, then I wouldn't mind so much when Hudson gets rid of me or all of you leave."

"Lucas, we're not gonna leave. We're here for you, buddy."

"Tony, I'm nineteen years old and the only people in the world who give a damn about me are on this boat. The only reason you're not going to leave is because you can't."

"Luke..." He tried to find something to say to reassure his friend.

Lucas laid his head against the pillow, and turned to see Tony.

"I'm sorry I said all those things. I think I was nastier to you than to anyone else. I guess I've always been kinda jealous of you. I really am sorry."

Lucas was closing his eyes and looked ready to fall asleep, but Tony was so shocked he couldn't help but respond.

"You were jealous of me?"

"Everyone likes you Tony. Doesn't matter what you do, they like you. I try so hard, and..."

He trailed off as he finally fell asleep. Tony sat stunned for a moment, and then lowered the bed and pulled his sheets over him.

He sat back and thought about everything Lucas had said.

Lucas was jealous of HIM?


	23. Chapter 23

Tony thought back to his first tour.

Lucas had already been on the boat for one tour and seemed to know everything about the seaQuest. Tony hated that he always had to ask for directions and kept getting lost, but Lucas knew about places that even the engineering crew didn't know about.

He remembered how he'd been about the room, trying to let Lucas know that it was his room now, doing all that alpha male stuff to let Lucas know who was in charge.

Then he'd found out about the relationship between Bridger and Lucas, and he was sure that the next thing he knew Bridger would be descending on him and ordering him to give Lucas the top bunk.

But Lucas had gone another way, winning it back fairly, not demanding it back by right. Tony had begun to like the kid then, just for that.

And Luke had never made a big deal about him being a criminal. Sure, he didn't like sharing his room, but Tony thought that he would have been that way with anyone, not just him.

The more Tony watched Lucas, the more he began to realize how hard the kid worked. He usually worked late into the night - they'd had a few fights a the beginning about the incessant sound of typing and the light from the computers, until Tony adjusted so much that at times he found it hard to sleep without the clicking of the keys.

But even then, he could see that a few cracks were already starting to appear between Bridger and Lucas. A few times, Lucas had gone to visit the captain, only to find him romancing the doctor. According to Tim and a few of the other guys, Lucas was in the habit of hanging out with the captain, and he seemed a little lost without that.

Tony knew that Lucas was a rich kid, and assumed that his parents had put him on the boat for one of those 'life experinces' that people like that wanted for their kid's resumes. It was only after the incident with Tony's mother and Nick, and Lucas' quick grasp of the situation, that Tony started to wonder about Lucas' home life. He only then realized that they'd been on board for months and the kid had never received a call or a package from home. When the time came for their first shore leave, Tony noticed that the kid wasn't rushing around like the rest of them, making arrangements and packing bags.

When Tony asked what he was doing, he said that he was waiting to see what the captain was doing. When Tony, still not quite understanding the relationship, had crassly told Lucas that he'd seen Bridger leaving with Doctor Smith, he'd seen the colour bleed out of Lucas' face.

That had been the first time that Lucas had lashed out at him, making some kind of comment about Tony hanging around because he'd gotten so used to being locked up...Tony had almost hit the kid, but instead he'd grabbed his bag and left.

It was only when he returned four days later that he realized Lucas had stayed on board the whole time they were in port, working on a computer diagnostic that the captain had wanted him to do. When he came back from Bridger's quarters after giving him the results and telling the captain about the upgrades he had made to the system, he was beaming with happiness at the captain's praise.

Tony saw then that Lucas idolized the captain, and would do anything for his approval, even giving up shore leave.

When he asked Lucas about it, Lucas told him that he hadn't seen the point of staying in a motel somewhere on his own when he could stay on the seaQuest in his own room. From then on, Tony always made a point to include Lucas in his plans.

He'd been angry with Luke over the incident with Sandra Kirby, but now he could see that it was a chance for Lucas to make a life for himself away from seaQuest. He wished now with all his heart that things had worked out for him then.

Because Lucas was right - everything had just continued to get worse for him. Bridger continued to become more involved with the doctor, and as Lucas got older, people just forgot to look out for him anymore. They forgot that he was still legally a kid. They were used to him being around, and everyone assumed that someone was watching out for him.

And now, here he was, with things about as bad as they could be. He'd lost ten years, both parents and the captain. And now it seemed that he believed all of that was his fault, because he wasn't likeable enough.

Tony sighed and rubbed his face in his hands. He hoped they could fix this.


	24. Chapter 24

Tony had started to doze when he heard noises behind him. Lucas also woke up, and tried to crane his head to see what was happening.

"What is it?"

"Don't know."

Until now, Tony hadn't paid too much attention to anything except Lucas, but now he looked around him.

In another bed across the room, they saw activity around Erik's bed. A med team was busy working while a monitor emitted a long, steady beep. As they watched, Perry ran in as her team began to step back. A nurse reached out for her shoulder and shook his head. She froze as he started to speak. Nevertheless, she rushed forward and started checking the figure on the bed and the monitors. After a few moments, a nurse reached forward and switched off the machine, and the long, final beep stopped.

Doctor Perry stared, frozen for a moment, and then turned to see their horrified looks. She pulled the curtains around Erik's bed as Tony walked over to her.

Tony spoke first. "Did he just...Erik...is he..."

Perry nodded. "He went into cardiac arrest. We couldn't get him back."

There was a moment of shocked silence, broken by Tony.

"Is that something...," he found he didn't want to ask, but he had to, "What about Luke?"

"It's a danger, of course. He hasn't been taking it as long, but..," she saw Tony's face. "I'm sorry, but yes, there's a big possibility that he may have similar problems. He wasn't taking the drugs as long as Erik, but they seem to have had a stronger effect on him. He was already having problems before he started taking them, and he lost more weight. There's a good chance that his heart is under strain."

Tony blanched and looked back at Lucas. Lucas was sitting up, watching them. Tony turned back to the doctor.

"What do we do?"

She sighed. "We wait. Keep doing what we're doing. Try to keep him calm, and be watchful for any signs..."

They heard a noise and looked around to see Lucas climbing out of bed.

"Lucas!"

Tony ran over to him and grabbed him as he fell.

"Damn, Lucas!" He helped him back onto the bed. "What were you thinking?"

Lucas motioned towards the other bed. "Is that going to happen to me?"

Doctor Perry started re-attaching his monitors.

"Not if we can help it. But running around the med bay isn't going to help."

He nodded and quietly lay back against the pillows. Perry examined his face.

"You look a little flushed and you're perspiring."

She put her hand to his forehead and could feel heat coming from it.

"You've got a fever. How do you feel?"

He ignored her. "Who was it?"

"Erik Larson. Lucas, how do you feel?"

"Fine."

He brushed his hand over his forehead and wiped away the moisture. He couldn't stand seeing their worried faces.

"I'm tired, I want to sleep now."

He lay back against the pillow and closed his eyes.

* * *

Doctor Perry went to the bridge and asked to see Captain Hudson in his ward room. He nodded, and they walked there in silence.

"Doctor, what do you need?"

"Captain...Erik Larson suffered a cardiac arrest a few minutes ago. We weren't able to get him back. I'm sorry."

Hudson looked stunned. "He's dead?"

"Yes."

"Because of the drug?"

"Yes. He was having seizures, and his heart couldn't take the strain."

Hudson sat down. "And Lucas?"

"At the moment, he's not having seizures."

"Do you think he will?"

"Yes. It seems likely."

Captain Hudson closed his eyes for a moment.

"Doctor Perry, do you think the same thing will happen to Lucas?"

She was silent.

"I see. Thank you Doctor Perry. I'll inform Mr. Larson's family."

"Captain, have you heard anything about Susan Cho?"

Captain Hudson motioned to her to sit down.

Her legs felt weak as she fell into the chair. "Oh God, what is it?" She really didn't want to hear any more bad news.

"I wanted to wait a little longer before I make the announcement to the crew. I wanted to wait until Erik and Lucas had turned the corner."

"Captain, what happened to her?"

"It seems that Ms. Cho requested her leave so that she could check into rehab. She didn't want to be tempted again, and threw away her remaining supply. She couldn't tell them anything about the drug, so they didn't know what they were working with. They gave her painkillers that reacted badly with the drugs already in her system."

Perry found it hard to speak. "Is she...did she..."

"She fell into a coma. I'm afraid the prognosis isn't good."

She sat for a moment and bit her lip, and couldn't help the thought that went through her mind.

 _'And then there was one.'_

* * *

By the time she returned to the med bay, Lucas was burning up. He was shivering despite the blankets. Tony was sitting next to him, talking to him and trying to keep him calm. Perry could see panic in his eyes as he fought to catch his breath.

She picked up his hand and squeezed it.

"It's okay, Lucas, we're going to take care of you. Don't worry, we'll do everything we can."

It was a going to be a bad night.

Lucas' fever spiked, and he became delirious. When he could no longer recognise Tony, Doctor Perry sent him away. He didn't need to see how bad this might become.

Hudson met Tony heading to his quarters.

"Mr Piccolo? I thought you'd be with Mr. Wolenczak."

Tony looked angry and worried. "I was. He's got a fever, Doctor Perry told me to leave."

Hudson digested the news. It didn't sound good. He tried to be positive.

"Then make the most of the time away and get some sleep. I imagine he'll want to see you tomorrow and it will help if you're well rested."

Tony nodded. "Yes Sir."

Hudson walked down to the med bay. He couldn't help but glance at the empty bed that had held Erik Larson.

He walked over to Lucas' bed.

"How's he doing?"

Perry shook her head and spoke in a low voice.

"Not well. He's following the same path as Erik. Erik started with a fever, but it wasn't this bad. Lucas is in worse shape, physically and mentally. He's just too weak."

Lucas lay shaking on bed. Sweat beaded his brow and he tosssed and turned in delirium. In his emaciated state he looked like a child lying there, the bruise on his eye black and ugly against the pallor of his face.

Hudson frowned. "You don't think he'll make it."

She put out a hand and brushed the soft hair from his face. She spoke in a whisper. "No."

Lucas threw his arm across his face, and whimpered in his sleep.

Hudson looked at the stick thin arm with it's tracery of cuts.

"Don't give up on him yet. He's in bad shape, but he's been through a lot. He was right about one thing - if he'd wanted to die he could have done something before this. He's a fighter. And if he's not going to give up, then neither are we."

He turned to her and raised an eyebrow, "Are we, doctor?"


	25. Chapter 25

Captain Hudson rubbed his tired eyes as he poured himself a cup of coffee. He had stayed in the med bay all night, watching over his ensign in Tony's stead. Tony had been ordered away, but the captain felt that someone should be there.

He almost regretted his decision.

It was a few hours after Hudson arrived that Lucas started having the seizures, his body wracked with convulsive spasms as the med team tried to protect him from further harm.

By the next morning they were exhausted, but Lucas was still with them. He was still burning with fever, but it was lowering steadily. They had him hooked up to a heart monitor and they were giving him oxygen to help his breathing.

Captain Hudson had been insistent that no-one else should wait with Lucas during the night. With Doctor Perry's fears in his mind, he knew that none of Lucas' friends needed to witness this. Watching the boy suffer multiple seizures throughout the night had been harrowing enough for the medical staff, one of whom had clearly been crying.

She was sitting beside his beside now, cooling his forehead with a cloth. She looked up as Hudson approached. He tried to think of her name and remembered it just in time.

"Nurse May, how is he?"

"He made it through the night, that's a good sign. It was touch and go a couple of times, but he pulled through." She turned back to her patient.

"I've known this boy since he was fifteen years old, since the first tour. He kept us on our toes. So much energy and enthusiasm."

Hudson listened, interested. This was a Lucas Wolenczak he had never known.

"His mind was always running at a million miles a minute, he was always thinking of something to change or improve or investigate. Kristin and Bridger loved him, they were like a family."

She smiled a little. "Don't get me wrong, he was always a handful. They were always trying to reign him in." Her smile faded.

"It was different after Kristin left. He was a little quieter after that. Less...happy, I suppose. Then Captain Bridger just ups and leaves!" She gave a little sniff of disapproval. No need to ask her opinion about that!

"And now...well. He's been like a whole different person this tour, you wouldn't know him. Hardly ever comes to chat anymore, always seems so closed off now. It's like he's just trying to get through each day."

Hudson thought of Lucas' own words, "I thought I was trying to hold on."

"And now this. Poor lamb." She leaned forward and kissed his forehead, and then turned to Captain Hudson. "Did you want to see Doctor Perry?"

"Yes." He was still thinking about her words as she left.

He hadn't known that Lucas. The Lucas he knew was surly, sarcastic and arrogant, but at the same time always second guessing himself.

He remembered Lucas escaping from his holding cell to find his captain, and returning with him as though he would make everything right again. He obviously worshiped his captain - the same captain who had announced in front of everybody that he was leaving. He, like many others, had at that moment looked not at the man making the announcement, but at the boy staring at him in shock. In the few seconds before he'd had time to control his emotions, Hudson had seen the despair on his face, and they'd all heard the plaintive way he'd called to Bridger - 'Captain, no...'

Hudson wasn't a man given to spending to much time considering anyone's feelings, but if every single person in his crew thought that Bridger had abandoned Lucas, then it stood to reason that the boy must feel that way too.

He thought about that.

To be dumped on a submarine when you were fifteen, and then to find a family of sorts - by all accounts, the first real family he'd ever known, only to have them leave less than a year later.

Hudson didn't know what had happened to the boy during the time it took to rebuild the new seaQuest; from the gossip he'd overheard, no-one did. He knew that Wolenczak had been involved in the process and had been responsible for a lot of new upgrades to the vessel, but no-one seemed to know where he had been during that time. Had he stayed with Bridger? Gone home to his family? No one knew. But Hudson had overheard enough gossip to know that the relationship seemed to have cooled a little even then. Bridger had once again started to get close to the ships doctor, only this time Lucas wasn't included in the cozy relationship.

By the time Hudson had arrived, only a few months later, the relationship had apparently cooled so much that Bridger had not felt it necessary to talk to Lucas alone before he left. Everyone seemed to think that was odd; heck, most people were surprised that Bridger hadn't asked him to go with him.

Hudson thought about the way Lucas had behaved on the two occasions that Bridger had returned. He acted around Bridger a bit like a puppy that had been kicked a few times - at the same time needy, but defensive.

It was obvious to anyone - even to someone as insensitive as Oliver Hudson - that Lucas would have done anything for Captain Bridger. And Bridger had just tossed him aside, like everyone else had.

He sighed.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

He looked up, startled.

"You were a million miles away. I've been standing here for five minutes or more. What were you thinking about?"

He gestured towards the bed. "Lucas. seaQuest. Bridger."

"Oh." Perry sat down beside him. "Not a great story, from what I can gather. He seems to have had a pretty rough time of it so far. His parents, Bridger, alien abduction, ten missing years. Did you know that he was attacked in the second tour and someone pretty much tore his mind apart? They kept him in the med bay for a few days, and then he insisted he was fine and made them release him. Wasn't that long before the abduction either. For them, anyway."

Hudson hadn't known that.

"There are all sorts of red flags on the psych part of his medical file, I have no idea what they were thinking. Every time something happened, he told them he was fine and they just took his word for it."

"Before he was even eighteen, he'd been abandoned by his parents, trapped on a military submarine during battle situations, stranded on a life raft in the eye of a storm, almost strangled on Node 3, held hostage more than once, fired upon and injured while testing the Stinger, trapped in an underground cavern, and tricked by a girl into leaving seaQuest for her, only to find that she was using him to gain control of the boat. Used and abandoned again."

Captain Hudson had seen reports of the previous tours, but hadn't read them in depth, thinking that they were largely unimportant now, ten years later. There had been too many other things to think about. He had to get the seaQuest up and running as soon as possible, and once they were in the water they had been thrown into the thick of things straight away. Now he realized what an oversight that had been.

"I didn't know."

"The question shouldn't be, why did this happen, but why did it take so long? Anyone would have cracked under that kind of pressure, let alone a boy of his age."

"Is he over the worst of it now? Are the drugs out of his system yet?"

She shrugged slightly. "I don't know. I hope so. However much of a fighter he is, I don't think he can survive another seizure. We barely got him back after the last one."

"So what happens now?"

"More of the same, I'm afraid. We watch, we wait, and we try to keep ahead of it all."

She looked over at him.

"It would be easier if he didn't look so young while he's lying there. I know he's only nineteen, but when he's lying there like that, he looks like a kid. It seems wrong to see him hooked up to all those machines."

Captainn Hudson didn't comment. He knew what she meant.


	26. Chapter 26

He must have been sitting there for an hour or so when Lucas opened his eyes. They looked red and fever bright, unfocused. He licked dry lips, and Hudson lent forward and lifted his head while he held a cup of water to his lips.

"Captain?"

"Can I get you something?"

"I'm sorry Captain, I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry! Please don't leave me!"

His words came out in a rush and the monitor began to beep out of time as his heart started to beat erratically.

Hudson quickly pressed the call button. He tried to keep his voice calm for the boy.

"I won't leave you. You didn't do anything wrong."

He knew it wasn't him the boy was talking to, it was Bridger. He tried to think of the right things to say.

"No-one's going to leave you, Lucas. We're all going to be here with you."

Lucas reached for his hand and grasped it tightly. Hudson was surprised at his strength. He heard the monitor slowing again, and saw the boy calming down.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...whatever it was, I'm sorry..."

Cool tears ran down burning cheeks, and Hudson wiped them away in a rare moment of tenderness.

A nurse checked the monitors and murmured, _sotto voce_ , "It's helping, just keep doing what you're doing."

The old Captain Hudson surfaced for a minute in a wave of irritation that he had to be here, taking care of this, while the captain who had caused this mess was probably relaxing in the sun somewhere.

Lucas seemed to sense the change in atmosphere, and started to fuss again.

Hudson sighed dramatically, and pulled the boy towards him, resting Lucas' head on his shoulder.

"It's alright, I'm right here."

Once again, Lucas started to relax in his arms, but still continued to murmur, "Please don't go, don't leave. Please don't leave me," until he fell asleep again.

* * *

When Tony Piccolo came in, he found them like that.

A glance at Captain Hudson convinced him that this was not the time to make a smart ass remark. Instead, he simply said, "Bad night?"

He stopped as he registered the heart monitor.

"What happened?"

"He began to have seizures. He's stable for now."

Tony looked closely at his friend.

Lucas' skin was grey, a bluish tinge to his lips making them appear almost purple. The only color he had was the large bruise around his eye. In the time it took for Tony to examine him, he didn't move at all, his breathing barely noticeable.

"He's gonna be okay, right?"

"We're doing everything we can."

Hudson saw Tony blanch in shock.

"He's fighting, Mr. Piccolo. He's fighting. He isn't giving up, and neither are we."

Tony swallowed and nodded.

Hudson met his eyes. "Help me move him."

Tony leaned forward and gently lifted Lucas while the captain removed his arm from underneath him. He laid him back against the pillows and pulled the sheets across him.

"He thought I was Bridger," Hudson offered, by way of explanation.

Tony frowned. "He was really hurt when he left."

Hudson smiled wryly. "Yes, I got that."

"He thinks it was his fault."

Hudson's smile died. "I got that, too."

"He seems okay now." Tony looked up gratefully, "Thanks."

"I won't say 'anytime', but you're welcome. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to regain some movement in my arm."

Tony grinned. "Yes Sir. Thank you sir!"

* * *

Dagwood joined Tony a little while later, and once again they sat there as Lucas slept, Dagwood holding his hand tightly while Tony wiped over his forehead.

When Lucas next opened his eyes, they were clearer and he looked more aware of his surroundings.

"Hey Tony...Dagwood."

Dagwood squeezed his hand and he held on to it tightly. "Hello Lucas!"

"Afternoon sleepyhead! What kinda time d'ya call this?"

Lucas smiled, still groggy. "No idea. Not even sure what day it is."

"Thursday."

Lucas was stunned. "I've been here for four days?"

"Yeah. Look like you're feelin' better though!" He put a hand against Lucas' forehead. Lucas pulled away, embarrassed.

"Quit it, will ya? Trying to see if you've still got a fever!" He smiled. "Little bit. Not as bad as before. You could fry bacon on ya last night, you was so hot!"

Lucas grimaced. "I feel like you did! Any chance I could take a shower? I feel gross."

"Doubt it. I'll give you a hundred dollars if you can even sit up right now."

Frowning, Lucas tried to push himself up and realized that Tony was right. He was as weak as a kitten and his head was spinning. Dagwood leaned forward and pulled him up, pilling pillows behind him.

"Hey, that don't count!" Tony poured a glass of water. "Here. Dag, watch him, I'm gonna find a nurse."

Lucas was already asleep by the time he got back.


	27. Chapter 27

Commander Ford thought Lucas looked very small lying there, almost childlike. He'd lost so much weight. The commander still felt guilty that it had taken them so long to notice.

As he mused, he became aware that the figure on the bed was starting to move.

"Lucas?"

Lucas eyelashes fluttered as he tried to struggle into wakefulness. One eye was still impeded by the swelling of his black eye, but the other also remained half lidded. Lucas moaned.

Ford leaned over him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Come on, Lucas...wake up."

"C..commander?" he rasped.

"Hold on, I'll get you some water."

He raised him up to help him to drink.

"How are you feeling?"

Lucas thought for a minute about his answer. He felt terrible. Every part of his body seemed to hurt. His body hurt, his head ached, he felt nauseated and dehydrated, his eyes were sore and his lips cracked.

"Thirsty."

Ford poured more water and helped him drink as Doctor Perry approached.

"Lucas, how are you feeling?"

He felt a surge of annoyance at being asked such a stupid question twice in the space of five minutes.

"Fucking peachy! How do you think I feel?"

His answer would have had more vehemence if he hadn't started to cough until tears ran down his face.

He curled up in pain at the movement.

Ford watched him worriedly. "Doctor?"

"He's been through a lot over the past few days, I'm guessing he's severely dehydrated and his muscles are sore and cramping. You're doing the right thing." She gestured to the water glass and he re-filled it.

She sat down on the edge of Lucas' bed and put a hand to his face.

"Lucas? Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?"

He tried to pull away from her, still angry, even though he wasn't sure why; but his muscles protested at the movement and a spike of pain shot through his head.

"Headache."

It seemed to grow in intensity once he acknowledged it, and he pushed the heels of his hands against his temples and squeezed his eyes closed against the bright lights of the med bay.

"Lucas? Can you talk to me?"

In answer, he curled up clutching his head. After that, he wasn't aware of anything for a while.

* * *

When he next woke, Lonnie was holding a cool cloth to his forehead.

"Lonnie?"

She smiled at him, and asked worriedly, "How's your head? Jon said it was pretty bad."

He paused for a moment to consider. "Better. Thanks."

He moved to push himself up, and instantly regretted the decision. "Gonna be sick."

Lonnie quickly grabbed a basin as he emptied the little he had in his stomach. The force of the retching seemed to wrack his entire body and tears started to run down his cheeks. She leaned forward and pulled him towards her in a hug.

He was horrified to find himself sobbing.

He tried to pull away. "I'm sorry."

She held him firmly. "It's okay, Lucas. Just let it out, okay? I don't mind."

He closed his eyes. "I can't keep doing this!"

"You'll be better soon, you've been through the worse of it already. Now you just need to get better."

"And then what? I keep trying, and everything keeps on getting worse and worse! I can't keep doing this!"

Tony came up in time to hear the end of this, and exchanged an anguished glance with Lonnie. He grabbed Lucas' chin and made him look up.

"You will keep doing this, you hear me? We're all here for ya, and we're gonna help ya!"

The look Lucas gave him was despairing.

"You'll leave me. Everyone leaves me in the end. You won't be any different."

"Lucas..."

He tried to think of something to say, and disastrously, he could think of nothing. He might not like it, but Lucas was right, everyone had left him - his parents, the captain, even Westphalen and Krieg. Everyone Lucas had ever got close to had abandoned him. He met Lonnie's eyes and knew that she was thinking the same thing. He felt anger surge through him towards everyone who ever walked away from this kid and made him feel unwanted.

"Lucas...I don't care what everyone else has done. We're different! We're gonna stick by you, and we're gonna damn well fight for you and make sure that you fight too, d'ya hear me?"

"Hudson isn't going to allow me to stay after this. He wanted me off the boat before all of this, do you really think all this has changed his mind? I've given him the perfect opportunity. McGath's not going to speak up for me this time. I'll have to leave seaQuest."

"He's not going to make you leave," Tony said, with no conviction at all.

"I don't even know where I can go. Everyone I know is here."

"Yeah, your friends are here, and we're gonna take care of you, don't worry."

Lucas pulled back and sank into the pillows.

"I'm so tired, Tony."

"Get some sleep then. And stop worrying, it's gonna be okay."

Lonnie leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

"He's right, Lucas. Just concentrate on getting better, try not to worry."

They sat there for a little while as Lucas drifted into an uneasy sleep, and then they moved away from his bed.

"He might be right, Tony. Captain's not going to like all this, and he's never been Lucas' biggest fan, especially since he pulled a gun on him."

"I know."

Lonnie bit her lip. "I don't think he'd..." She found she couldn't say what she'd originally planned to say. "I don't think he'd be happy if he wasn't on the seaQuest."

They both knew what she'd meant to say.


	28. Chapter 28

Captain Hudson had just settled back in his chair with a good book when he heard a knock on his door. It was Commander Ford and Tony Piccolo.

Hudson sighed and closed his book.

"Gentlemen, what can I do for you?"

The commander began. "It's about Lucas, sir."

Hudson gestured for them to sit down.

"What about him?" He knew he would have been informed instantly if there had been a change in his condition.

Tony couldn't wait any longer.

"He wants to know what's gonna happen to him. He thinks you're gonna kick him off the boat."

Their fears increased when the captain said nothing.

"Captain, he's lived here since he was fifteen. The only people he knows are aboard this boat, he doesn't have anywhere to go or anyone to go to. He's never had to live in the world. He has no idea how to go about finding a place to live or looking for work."

"He's a genius, Mr. Ford. People would be lining up to hire him."

"Ten years ago they would have. It's a big gap to have in your resume, ten years. No-one's heard of him since then, the world's moved on without him."

"He must have someone who could help him. What about Captain Bridger?"

Tony couldn't hold himself back any longer.

"Yeah, that's what we'd all like to know! What about Captain Fucking Bridger? One minute they're like family, and the next minute he ups and leaves without even telling him first!"

Hudson raised his eyebrows, but made no remark about Tony's language.

"I was wondering whether it would be a good idea to invite Nathan Bridger aboard."

There was a pause. Hudson noticed that Commander Ford looked a little uncomfortable. Tony met his eyes.

"No."

"No?"

"Yeah, no! It really upset him that Bridger didn't tell him he was leavin', and every time he's seen him since then the guy's been a real asshole. Getting all sanctimonious about him joining up - like he had a choice! - and then he comes back working for Section Seven and spends the whole time criticizing him for not bein' a better soldier."

Ford interrupted, "They parted on good terms both times."

"You think seein' Bridger would be good for him?"

Ford was silent.

"Commander?"

Ford sighed. "No, I don't think it's a good idea."

Hudson looked at him inquiringly.

"Lucas was really broken up when Bridger left the first time, and Tony's right, there seems to be a lot of tension between them now. Lucas keeps trying to impress him, and he..."

"Doesn't give a shit!" Tony interrupted. He saw Hudson's expression. "Sorry sir."

"So what do you suggest?"

Tony spoke up at once. "We should tell him that we'll look after him!"

Commander Ford watched Captain Hudson. "What are you planning do about him, sir?"

"What d'ya mean? We're gonna take care of him, ain't we?"

There was silence in the room.

"Captain?"

"We will do whatever is best for him, Mr. Piccolo."

"Are you gonna kick him off the boat? After everything that's happened?"

"If he has to leave the boat, it will be because of what's happened, Mr. Piccolo. He needs help."

"Yeah, that's right, he does need help. From us. This is the only home he's known since he was fifteen, and everyone in the world who gives a rat's ass about him is on this boat! You gonna ship him off to some UEO nuthouse where it won't be your problem anymore? You know what'll happen if you do that, right?"

"What will happen, Mr. Piccolo?"

Tony was sick and tired of everyone ignoring Lucas' problems.

"I'm saying that if you kick him off this boat, it will kill him."

* * *

Captain Hudson sat and thought for a long time after they left. Then he stood up and walked down to the med bay.

Perry walked over to him as he entered.

"How is he?"

"I think he's survived the worst of it, but he's in pretty bad shape. His muscles are sore, he's having terrible headaches, his whole system is out of balance because between the fever and the nausea we can't get enough fluids into him. He was already too thin when we first saw him, but now he's dangerously weak. And all of that is contributing to his emotional state, which seems to keep swinging between aggressive and hopeless."

"Can we go to your office?"

She looked at him enquiringly, and nodded.

"What's his prognoses, long term?"

She sighed.

"I don't know how much damage this has already done to him. I'm hoping he won't suffer any long term effects, but that's probably too optimistic. I'd like to think that everything will get better when the drugs are out of his system, but then I remember that he was losing weight and having trouble sleeping before he even started taking them. As for the cutting..."

"Yes?"

"With everyone else it seems as though it was something they'd had a problem with before. I don't know about Bess and Susan, but Joe was always reckless. I heard on the grapevine that although we knew him as a 'by the book' kind of guy, Chris used to be a bit of a wild child. And Erik suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder when he was younger. I'd like to know a little bit about Lucas' history and find out if this was a problem for him before this."

They both thought about that for a moment.

"He joined the seaQuest when he was fifteen. If he'd had any problems then, I'm sure that Bridger would have said something."

She nodded, and waited for him to follow her train of thought.

"So if he was cutting before, it must have been before that, when he was..." he paused for a moment as the implications became clear, "fourteen."

"Or younger. He needs to talk to someone, Captain. He's going to need professional help to get through this."

"Commander Ford and Mr. Piccolo seem to think he would react badly to leaving the seaQuest."

Perry rubbed at her temples. "I have to say that I agree. He has no idea what life is like off this boat, he can't even imagine living anywhere else. He shouldn't have been sent here in the first place, I have no idea what everyone was thinking at the time! It wasn't just his parents, it was the UEO as well. Nobody seemed to care what the long term implications would be."

"So what do you suggest we do now?"

She leveled him with a steady gaze.

"I think it's about time someone started looking out for him before it's too late. We were lucky this time, I can't believe he's pulled through."

"Practicalities, please Doctor."

"Fine. He needs to talk to a professional, someone who can help him learn some coping mechanisms."

"Can you do it?"

She shook her head. "Not qualified, not for something like this."

"But you don't think we should send him somewhere."

"No. I agree with the others, I think he'd see it as just someone else getting rid of him."

"Could it be done by Vidlink?"

For the first time, she offered him a smile.

"I don't see why not. He'd probably find it easier to talk to a computer monitor anyway!"

He smiled as well.

"What about the physical effects?"

"He's going to be very weak for a while. He needs to regain the lost weight and recover his health, and he's not going to do that until we sort out his problems sleeping, which is what started all this in the first place. I don't know enough about the drugs to know what long term complications there may be, but I worry about the stress this has put on his heart. It may have done long term damage. The weight loss certainly contributes to that."

"Any idea how long it will take him to get better?"

She bit her lip. "I'd like to keep him here for at least another week, just to be sure there a no further complications. After that...I really don't know, I'm sorry. I certainly don't see him being fit for regular duties for at least a month."

Hudson nodded and stood up. "May I see him?"

"Yesss..."

"Problem?"

"As I said, he's in a lot of pain right now, and his moods have been pretty erratic today. I'm not sure that you..." She broke off, unable to find a tactful way to finish her sentence.

"I won't hold it against him, Doctor."


	29. Chapter 29

Captain Hudson and Doctor Perry walked over to the bed. Lucas was curled up in a ball with his arms covering his head.

"Lucas."

He moved slowly and looked at them. Seeing the captain, he tried to sit up and gasped as a wave of pain shot through his head.

"Stay as you were, Ensign."

"Not like I have much choice!" he hissed.

He glared at Doctor Perry from narrowed eyes as he squinted against the lights of the med bay.

"Can't you give me ANYTHING for this damn headache?"

"I'm sorry Lucas, it's just not safe to give you anything else right now."

"What does it matter?" He turned away from them both again, his mood shifting from anger to hopelessness.

Hudson exchanged a look with the doctor.

"Mr. Wolenczak, we're just trying to help you get better."

"Why?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why? What does it matter if I get better or not?"

Oliver Hudson was not good at this sort of thing.

"It matters because you're a valuable member of my crew."

"So valuable that you were determined to get rid of me just a few months ago? Are you telling me that now I'm a drug addict and a basket case you want to keep me?"

"Ensign, these...," he searched for the right word, "problems began while you were under my command, and so it's my responsibility to make sure that they are dealt with."

Lucas winced as another bolt of pain ran through him.

"Don't worry, no-one's going to sue you. There isn't anyone left who would care."

Perry leaned forward and made him look at her.

"We all care, Lucas. And we're going to get you better, you just have keep fighting, okay?"

His reply was so low that they almost missed it.

"I'm too tired. I just want the pain to stop."

Hudson tried again. "Lucas, is there anyone that you'd like us to call?"

This time the wince had nothing to do with his headache.

"No. There's no-one you can call. Please, just leave me alone?"

He rolled back onto his side and covered his face again.

Perry touched Hudson's arm, and they moved away.

"It sounded like he wanted you to..."

She nodded.

"He's been through so much, I think he's finally had enough. There's nothing else I can really do to help him right now."

"Thank you, Doctor. Let me know if anything changes."

* * *

Lucas' headache lasted most of the night, only easing in the early hours and allowing him to sleep a little. Despite his tiredness, he still could only sleep for a few hours and woke the next morning still exhausted.

Nurse May came over to him when she saw he was awake.

"Lucas, what are you doing up so early? After the night you had, we were hoping you'd sleep for longer ."

"Me too."

"How's the headache?"

"Better."

She looked at him sternly and reminded him achingly of Doctor Westphalen. He tried to smile.

"It's more of a dull ache now."

She helped him to sit and gave him a glass of water.

"Think you could manage some breakfast?"

He grimaced. "No. Sorry."

She leaned over and ruffled his hair.

"Let me re-phrase that. I'm going to get you some breakfast, and you're going to eat as much as you can. Anything else I can get for you?"

"Could I get up? I'm going crazy lying here."

"I should think so. If you eat something first."

"That's blackmail."

"So it is. It's just not a fair world now, is it?"

She came back a little while later with a large glass of orange juice and some dry toast. Just as she was placing it on the table, Captain Hudson appeared.

"Good morning, Mr. Wolenczak."

"Captain."

He didn't know why the captain was here so early, but he was sure that it couldn't be good news. He remembered how he had behaved yesterday. He felt suddenly sick, and pushed away the food tray. He turned to hear what the captain had to say.

Hudson pushed the tray back in front of Lucas and sat down.

"Eat, Mr. Wolenczak. You can't stay in the med bay forever, you're going to have to get back to work one of these days. It doesn't look good for my boat if you're wandering around like a staving child. We do have our reputation to consider."

Lucas stared at him. "You're letting me stay?"

"It will depend on you, Mr. Wolenczak. There will be conditions, and you will have to follow them without argument. One of them is that you will eat every meal that is put in front of you."

He looked pointedly at the tray in front of Lucas. Obediently, Lucas reached for the orange juice and started to nibble at a piece of toast.

"This is what I expect from you if you want to stay onboard. One, there will be someone with you at every meal, making sure that you eat." He watched Lucas slowly chewing his toast. "Hopefully, you can do it quicker than you're eating now."

Lucas blushed, and took a larger bite which he swallowed quickly.

"Better. Two, if you have any problems at all, you will tell someone immediately. Three, you will report to Doctor Perry everyday for the first month for a physical examination. After that, check ups will be at her discretion. If there are any signs of cutting, weight loss, substance abuse or anything untoward, she will tell me. And four, at least twice a week you will speak to a counseler over the vidlink. These sessions will be confidential, but they will inform me if there's anything they feel I need to know. Doctor Perry and myself will act as your guardians during this time, and you will authorize us to make any necessary decisions about your care. Do you understand and accept these conditions?"

"If I accept I can stay?"

"Yes."

"What if I can't do all those things? What if I can't eat or sleep?"

"As long as you're trying and keeping us informed of your progress, you can stay. There will be no more secrecy, Mr. Wolenczak. And I will have no more illegal drugs on my boat. Do we have an agreement?"

"Yes! Yes, Sir."

"Good! Now the nurse told me that you were going to get up for a few minutes after you ate, would you like me to give you a hand?"


	30. Chapter 30

Lucas was shocked at how weak he had become in just a few days. Hudson had to support almost his entire weight, and he was shaking like a leaf. They walked around for a few minutes, and then Hudson led him to a chair. The small amount of exercise had left him light headed and tired, and he felt a little sick. He began to wish he hadn't eaten the toast.

In a shaky voice, he asked, "May I have some water?"

Hudson handed him a glass and watched him quietly as his color began to return.

"Better?"

Lucas nodded.

"Would you like to go back to bed?"

He shook his head. "No, I'm fine." His voice was a whisper.

"Alright."

The captain sat next to him. He was no good at small talk.

"Lucas...when did you start cutting?"

"I told you, about two weeks after I started taking the pills."

He looked down at his arms and started tracing one of the scars with his fingertips. Hudson decided to take a chance.

"No, Mr. Wolenczak. I mean, when did you start cutting originally?"

There was silence for a moment.

"What do you mean?"

"The others, they started doing things they'd had problems with before. So it stands to reason that if you were cutting then you've done it before."

Lucas bit his lip.

"No more secrets, remember?"

He sighed. He was just about to speak when Tony came bounding up to them.

"Hey, Luke, you're out of bed!"

"Mr. Piccolo, we're in the middle of something right now, if you could give us a moment?"

Lucas smiled weakly at his friend. "It's okay. I don't mind if he knows."

"Alright then."

Tony looked at them curiously and pulled up another chair.

"I was twelve. I'd just started at Stanford. I didn't know anyone there, and I was years younger than everyone. It was the first time I'd lived away from home and I was all by myself. Some of the older kids were picking on me - some of the teachers, as well. I just wanted to go home. One night I was trying to make myself some dinner in my room - I tried to keep to myself as much as possible - and I cut myself opening a can of soup. It was weird, but I suddenly felt really calm, as if all the tension was draining away with the cut. After that, I did it whenever things got to be too much. After about three months, I made some friends and I stopped doing it."

Hudson had a question, but Tony beat him to it.

"Did y'ever do it again?"

"A couple of times. When things got bad, sometimes I couldn't stop myself."

Hudson had another question. "When was the last time?"

Lucas hesitated.

"No secrets, Mr. Wolenczak."

"After I graduated. I had to move back home. Dad was away working on World Power, but ...but Mom was there. Things were always tense between us, and...I just needed to."

Hudson sensed there was more to the story.

"And?"

Lucas' voice dropped to a whisper.

"I'd had a really bad day. I promised myself that it would just be a little one, but it wasn't enough. So I overcompensated and I went too deep, lost too much blood. I was about to stop when I realized what I'd done, but the maid came in to my room and found me sitting in a pool of blood with a knife in my hand. She got the wrong idea...she thought... Anyway, she screamed and my mother came in, and it all got out of control."

"Lucas!"

Lucas looked at his friend's horrified expression.

"The doctor said I tried to...you know. But I didn't, I wasn't planning to do that! It just went too far... My mother told my father that enough was enough, and she couldn't handle me anymore. So my dad found me a place on the seaQuest."

"Did you ever do it again after joining the seaQuest?"

"No. Not before this."

Tony had a different question. "Where did you cut?"

"What?"

"When the maid found you. Where did you cut yourself?"

Hudson realized it was a good question.

Lucas looked embarrassed. "It's not important."

"Where, Mr. Wolenczak?"

Lucas sighed.

"My left wrist."

"Oh, Lucas...!"

"I wasn't trying to do anything, it was just a mistake! I didn't mean to..."

"Kill yourself?"

Lucas shuddered at Tony's words. "No."

Tony was suddenly angry.

"Well that's a relief! It's good to know that after everything that's happened - cutting your wrist, starving yourself, taking drugs - it's good to know that you weren't trying to kill yourself, because otherwise it would look pretty damning!"

"Tony, I wasn't..."

"That night in our room, you came in late, do you remember? Before this all started? I saw you pour out those pills...I saw the way you looked at them."

Lucas watched him, stricken, as he remembered that night.

"You were looking at those pills as if they were the answer to everything. Just admit it, alright? You've been wanting to kill yourself for years!"

Doctor Perry started to approach them, but Hudson signalled for her to stay back.

"I didn't...I...I wouldn't..."

"Dammit Lucas, just stop lying! For once in your life stop lying to yourself and everyone else! You wanted to die!"

"Alright, yes! Yes, I wanted to die, is that what you want to hear? Things were really shitty before my parents dumped me here and they just keep getting worse, why wouldn't I? I just wanted it all to be over!"

His voice cracked and he slid to the floor, burying his face in his hands. In an instant, Tony was on the floor beside him and pulling him into a hug.

"It's okay, Luke. It's gonna be okay, everything's gonna get better now."

And for the first time, Captain Hudson thought he just might be right.


	31. Chapter 31

They sat like that for a little while, Tony holding Lucas as he sobbed and telling him that everything was going to be alright. As he started to calm down, Doctor Perry appeared at Hudson's side.

"While I'm glad that he's got that off his chest, do you think you might get him off the floor before he catches pneumonia?"

Hudson realized with a start that Tony and Lucas had been sitting there for a little while, and Perry was right, the steel floor was ice cold.

"Mr. Piccolo, I think it's time we got Mr. Wolenczak back into bed, don't you?"

Tony pulled away.

"Shit! Yes, sorry! C'mon Luke, let's get you up."

Lucas staggered as he tried to stand, and Tony steadied him. As he felt Lucas' weight fall against him, it became clear how much weight he had actually lost. Tony thought for a moment that he could actually lift him without much effort.

"Dammit kid, you need to eat something. At this rate, Tim O'Neill will be able to lift you."

Lucas let out a short laugh. "I'll try."

Hudson moved to help, and they led Lucas back to his bed. He started to fall asleep almost as soon as he lay down.

Hudson and Piccolo sat and watched him sleep. Tony slumped in his chair.

"Shit."

Hudson raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry Sir. But...well."

"I've told him he can stay if he follows certain rules."

"That's great!"

"I want someone with him whenever he eats. Will you help with that?"

"Yeah, no problem, happy to help!"

"And I want you to let me know if he's not sleeping or having problems, can you do that?"

"Yeah, yes, anything you want!"

"It's not going to be easy."

"I know, sir. But he deserves a chance. It's about time someone tried to help him."

* * *

When Lucas woke up three hours later, Tony was still there but now Dagwood was with him.

"Hey Dagwood!"

"Hello Lucas, how are you feeling?"

"Better, thanks."

He was so used to answering the question by rote that it took him a moment to realize that it was actually true. He smiled at Tony.

"I think I could eat something."

Tony's eyes widened, and then he grinned.

"No kidding! That's great! Wait there, I'll go get you something."

"Not going anywhere, Tony."

As soon as he said it, he realized that he was wrong. He did want to go somewhere.

"Dagwood, could you help me get to the bathroom?"

"I don't know, Lucas. I'm not sure I should."

"They let me get up earlier. Please Dagwood."

Dagwood looked around nervously, and a nurse came over to them.

"Anything wrong?"

"Would it be okay for Dagwood to help me get to the bathroom?"

"Sure. It's good for you to start moving about. Just take it slow and sit when you're tired."

* * *

Tony was waiting for them when they got back. He pretended not to notice that Lucas was pale and shaking as they returned.

"Hey, look at you."

"Yeah, it's impressive," he grinned wryly. "Ten minutes and four stops to get to the bathroom and back."

Dagwood helped him back into bed and he lay there for a few minutes getting his breath back.

"Hey, it's gonna take a while. You're doin' so much better today."

"Yeah, I'd have believed you if there wasn't a mirror in there. I look like shit."

It was undeniable. His face was gaunt, the shadows under his eyes almost black. One eye was still discoloured and swollen from where he'd been hit, contrasting sharply with the paleness of his skin. His hair hadn't been washed in days, and looked messy and lackluster.

Tony grinned. "Yeah, but you've got to be used to that by now."

Lucas glared at him for a moment and then laughed. He pulled the table across his lap and examined the food.

"They're getting you some soup and sandwiches, they'll bring them along in a minute. Wasn't sure what you'd want, so they're making peanut butter and jelly and cheese. I figure whatever you don't want, Dagwood can have."

Dagwood smiled. "Thanks Tony!"

"In the meantime, I rustled up some OJ, some crackers, some cookies and an apple."

Lucas picked up the apple. "Okay, I know you didn't have time to go to the mess hall. Where did you get this stuff?"

"They always keep OJ and crackers here for when they can't get away to eat. When I told them you were hungry, Nurse May gave you her cookies and said that Doctor Perry would be happy to give you the apple."

"Thanks."

He tore open the bag of cookies and took one, passing the bag to Dagwood and Tony. Lucas laughed as Dagwood finished his in two bites, and Lucas handed the bag back to him. Tony snagged it as he passed it over.

"Hey, hold on! She gave those cookies to you, not to us. You're the one that needs to eat."

"I'm eating one."

"No, you're holding one. When you take a bite, you'll be eating one."

Lucas looked down at it and took a bite. He waited a moment to see how it felt on his stomach, and then took another.

Tony relaxed when he saw him eating and handed the bag back to Dagwood.

"One more, big guy. The rest are for Lucas so he can get some weight on that skinny ass of his!"

When the nurse arrived with soup and sandwiches, he was able to drink a little of the soup, and made an effort to eat the sandwiches. The cheese was okay, but after two bites of the peanut butter, he started to feel green.

"You okay buddy?"

Lucas pushed the rest of the food away. "Not sure I can eat anymore, sorry."

"Okay, no problem. Can you finish the orange juice?"

Lucas dutifully took a sip, and then quickly put it down.

"Not right now. Sorry."

"Hey, that's okay. At least you tried, and you ate something! Here, have some water."

"Thanks."

He sipped the water until his stomach started to settle, and listened to his friends talk. His eyelids started to droop, and he was startled when he felt himself being lowered to a sleeping position. Tony leaned over and pulled the sheets across him.

"Go to sleep now, buddy. We'll see you later."


	32. Chapter 32

He started to improve, slowly.

He was still very weak, but he was happy to be released from the med bay and return to his room.

He was making an effort to eat, although his appetite was small and the nausea seemed to be a constant problem. At first, the exhaustion he felt after his illness meant that he was getting some sleep, but as he started to recover, his insomnia returned. Doctor Perry was forced to prescribe sleeping pills for him until the counseling would hopefully banish some of his demons. On really bad nights, Tony would try to talk to him until he slept. If he couldn't get back to sleep, Tony would put on a movie and they'd watch it together until one of them - usually Tony, but occasionally Lucas - fell asleep again.

He begged to return to work, and they agreed to put him on light duties. Although he was eating more, he was still seriously underweight and too weak to work a regular shift, but they all felt it would do him good to be working again.

* * *

On his first day back he'd been assigned to work on the bridge. Even though he'd only been working for a couple of hours, he was shocked by how tired he was. He knew that Tim O'Neill would be joining him for dinner - Hudson had stuck to his promise that one of his friends would be with him at every meal to make sure he ate - and he looked over to see how much longer they had on their shift.

With relief he saw the second shift walking onto the bridge. Tim handed over his headset, and Commander Ford was giving the captain a report on their status.

Lucas stood up on shaky legs and took a moment to steady himself, something that wasn't missed by Commander Ford and Captain Hudson.

"Sir?"

"Dismissed, Mr. Ford."

"Thank you."

He walked over to Lucas and put an arm around his shoulders. Lucas blushed but accepted the help.

"Thanks."

They headed to the mess hall, with Tim catching them up a few minutes later.

"Hey guys, what's the hurry?"

"I think Lucas needs to eat something before he falls down."

Tim looked at his friend and then positioned himself to support Lucas on the other side.

"Guys, I'm fine! Really. I'm just a little tired."

The words would have been more convincing if he hadn't stumbled as he walked.

Tim looked worried.

"Commander, why don't you take him to his room and I'll bring some food for the three of us. We can eat there, if Lucas doesn't mind?"

Lucas bit his lip. He hated being this weak, but honestly, he just wanted to lie down and sleep. He nodded.

Ford and O'Neill shared a worried glance.

"Can you make it to your quarters if I help?"

He blushed even harder, but nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"No need to be sorry. Let's go."

They moved slowly, and Lucas was trembling when they got there. Ford guided him to the bed, and he moved back and leaned on the pillows of Tony's bunk. Within seconds, he fallen asleep.

Tim arrived a little while later with the food. He looked worried.

"Sorry, there was a line. Is he okay?"

"Just tired, I think. Fell asleep the minute his head hit the pillow. Hold on, I'll wake him."

Lucas felt himself being shaken awake.

"Come on, Lucas. You know you have to eat something first."

Lucas pushed himself up and Ford guided him to the table while Tim set the food in front of him. He was so tired he could barely bring the food to his mouth.

"Just a little more, okay?"

"'Kay." He chewed mechanically and then gulped down the orange juice that Tim handed him.

"Can I sleep now?"

"Sure Lucas."

Ford helped him back to the bed and helped him take off his shoes. Tim handed him the t-shirt he slept in, and Lucas quickly changed before he leaned back on Tony's pillows and once more fell asleep.

* * *

When Tony returned to his quarters later that night, he found Ford and Tim playing cards while Lucas slept on his bunk.

"Hey guys. What's going on? Luke alright?"

"Just tired, I think."

"How's he sleeping?"

"Pretty well so far. Hope you don't mind us staying, we wanted to make sure he was okay."

"No, that's okay."

"'Fraid it looks like you'll be swapping bunks tonight."

"That's fine. What y'playin'?"

"Rummy. Want in?"

"Sure."

They played a few hands together before they heard a noise from the bunk. Before they could move, Lucas opened his eyes and saw them.

"Hey."

He looked around him.

"Why am I in Tony's bunk?"

"You fell asleep."

"Huh." He sat up. "Sorry."

He pushed himself up and swayed for a moment. Tony was beside him in an instant.

"Hey, where ya goin'?"

Lucas yawned and rubbed his hand through his hair. "Bathroom." He padded off with bare feet.

"Why is it that whenever he's sleepy he looks like he's fifteen again?" Tim asked the others.

They grinned back at him.

Ford looked serious for a moment.

"Maybe that's what we should do, watch him sleep for a few hours each week to remember how young he is. That's where it all went wrong. We all forgot that he's still just a kid, however much of a genius he is."

"Yeah, well, we won't make that mistake again, will we?"

They met each other's eyes, a pact passing between them. A promise.

They were going to take better care of him from now on.

He was going to be okay.

They'd make sure of it.

 **The End?**

A _uthor's note - this is the end of the story as I originally wrote it, but I keep wondering if it needs more resolution. Thoughts?_

 _Also, many thanks to all who reviewed and gave me their input. It was greatly appreciated. Thank you, and thank you to everyone who read it!_


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